8:00 p.m. It’s been well-reported that nobody is going home on Thursday (Sept. 10) night’s “Big Brother,” but I’m doing a minute-by-minute recap anyway, because that’s what I do and I’m too lazy to learn another way…
8:02 p.m. When we left our three remaining hamsters, they were running circles on a log and rain had begun to pour down on them.
8:03 p.m. Whatever happened on the logs has already happened, because Kevin, Natalie and Jordan are already sitting in the house as Julie Chen introduces the live portion of the show. All three look miserable, as they sit rocking and tapping their feet.
8:05 p.m. It’s a flashback to the log. Kevin wants to win Head of Household, because he doesn’t think he can win against Natalie and he wants to go to the Final Two against Jordan. Is he right about that? Well, it probably depends on how much vitriol Michele is gonna spew when she gets to the Jury House.
8:06 p.m. Speaking of Michele, nobody is missing her. Natalie declares, “Michele said she was a villain. She’s not a villain. She’s just a bitch.” Well that’s succinct. Nobody agrees with her, but that’s partially because she says it as the other two are concentrating on the log.
8:07 p.m. Natalie tries telling Jordan that Michele is going to put the moves on Jeff in the Jury House, but Jordan wasn’t born yesterday. “I know he likes me, so I have nothing to worry about,” Jordan chuckles before dubbing Natalie “a little instigator.” Before now, I’d have laid odds against Jordan knowing the word “instigator.”
8:09 p.m. It never rains in Southern California, but it pours, man it pours at the Big Brother house. And the log is getting slippery. Then it stops. And leaves begin to fall down on them and the wind blows and snow is coming down.
8:10 p.m. With Jordan standing quietly, Natalie and Kevin talk trash. They’ve been on the log for more than three hours and Kevin is getting shaky, or so Natalie thinks.
8:12 p.m. Jordan is cold and Kevin tells Jordan that if you shiver, it makes your muscles relax. After 3:27, Jordan goes down. She says she “zoned out.”
8:14 p.m. This seems to have been a plan. Kevin got to win the first part of the three-part HoH competition. Natalie wins the second, knocking Jordan out. Then they skip off to the Final Two, content and fancy free. But Kevin tells the camera his word means nothing.
8:15 p.m. I’m tired of Natalie talking smack.
8:16 p.m. After Kevin vows to Natalie and America that he’s taking her to the end, Natalie throws herself off the log.
8:20 p.m. Julie Chen tells the Top Three that no one is leaving the house and all three of them are going to Finale Night next Tuesday. The third part of the HoH competition won’t be until Tuesday’s show, which means they’re going to spend a long time in limbo. What are they going to do with themselves?
8:21 p.m. Russell has crowned himself King of the Jury House. They all eagerly await the next contestants to join their ranks.
8:23 p.m. In the Jury House, where bitterness flows like chocolate rivers at Willy Wonka’s Chocolate Factory, everybody is pleased to see Jeff. “I know it’s a tough pill to swallow, because I’m swallowing mine right now,” says Jeff, who soaks up their mockery and derision.
8:24 p.m. Jeff is shocked by Natalie’s true age for around two seconds, before he says it doesn’t change the game. Everybody agrees and mocks Natalie. For Jeff, this is good news, because it means that Jordan might have a chance. I don’t want Natalie to win, but if Jordan wins, it will be an epic piece of Forest Gumpitude. It happens I don’t want Kevin to win either, which means I’m in a bit of a bind.
8:29 p.m. Who better to discuss the lameness of this Final Three than Jannelle, Mike, Danielle and Evel Dick, who were all more impressive players than anybody this season.
8:30 p.m. Evel Dick tells Julie that his half-million was life-changing and he still has lots of it left. Mike Boogie bought a Bentley and a baby gift for Julie. Awwww.
8:31 p.m. Danielle gives credit to Natalie for playing the best game this season, for lying at the right times. Jannelle thinks that Jeff getting rid of Russell was the game’s worst play so far. Mike Boogie loved when Jeff got rid of Jesse and when Natalie and Kevin lied to help get Russell out. Evel Dick agrees.
8:33 p.m. Mike Boogie agrees that Chima should have been kicked out of the game, but points out that people in the outside don’t know what it’s like on The Inside. Evel Dick criticizes Chima for losing sight of the end goal, while others call her a rat and a diva.
8:34 p.m. Mike and Janelle both predict Kevin will win the game and Evel Dick agrees. Danielle wants a woman to win the game, noting that “Big Brother” history says that women haven’t been able to beat men in the game, so it would have to be two women in the Top Two.
8:38 p.m. It’s time for Part Two of the Head of Household competition. Will it be Natalie or Jordan against Kevin?
8:39 p.m. The competition asks the players to put the Heads of Household in order, but they have to do it Skiball style, rolling balls into holes. Alas, since it requires memory and brains, Jordan probably doesn’t stand a chance. Unless Jordan has spent a lot of time at Chuck Edward Cheese’s pizza establishments in recent years. Come to think of it, that’s totally plausible.
8:42 p.m. Natalie’s time runs out and her performance doesn’t seem all that strong. She only puts five balls in the holes. Hmmm. That seems dirty.
8:46 p.m. Jordan has a serious visage I’ve never seen before as her part of “Heads Will Roll” begins. Really, Julie Chen needs to stop saying “balls” and “holes” or I’m going to giggle through the rest of this episode.
8:48 p.m. My hopes that Jordan might be a Chuck Elizabeth Cheese savant are coming to pass. With the studio audience audibly clapping, she puts nine balls in the holes. Or “boogering,” as Jordan calls it.
8:49 p.m. It will be Jordan versus Kevin in the
8:50 p.m. America will be the Final Juror in the finale vote! The six people in the jury house and us. So we go through every possible finale permutation of Top Two so that America can vote in all manner of hypothetical ways. It’s a cumbersome process.
8:54 p.m. Even when Julie reads the numbers to Jodan and Natalie, she looks confused. Nine is greater than Five, Jordan!
8:55 p.m. Natalie blames it all on a ball going into the wrong hole. Julie Chen is hearing none of her guff.
8:55 p.m. So Sunday is just a clip show? Heck no. There’s too much else to watch on Sunday.
8:56 p.m. Natalie’s still going on with her excuses. She’s just blathering like an idiot. Away with you, dolt!