I am facing tonight’s episode with dread in my heart. Natalie’s reign of terror isn’t quite over yet and you just know something bad is going to happen if that evil little sprite has anything to do with it. If anyone deserved to get yanked out of the house and thrown into traffic, I’d say it’s Natalie, but that’s just me.
By the way, has anyone else noticed that Julie Chen’s hair gets bigger as her baby bump expands? I’m afraid by next week she’s going to be in full-on “Dynasty” diva hair and that’s just not a good thing.
[Full recap of Tuesday (Sept. 8) night’s “Big Brother,” complete with shocking elimination spoilers, after the break…]
Anyway, Natalie tells the diary cam that putting Kevin on the block was all part of her devious plan to punt Michele to the curb and, because she’s a nifty poker player and can snow anyone with her masterful ability to deceive, everything’s going according to her master plan. Of course, what she doesn’t know is that Kevin is looking for any chance he can to get her out, and if he does I will totally forgive him for humoring Lydia when she went off on her crazy train so, so many times
rdan is a little gullible, so when Natalie and Kevin stage a REALLY fake argument in the backyard, she’s tempted to believe her ship has just come in, there really is a Santa Claus and there’s a very nice man in Nigeria who needs someone to cash his inheritance check for him.
But luckily, Natalie’s complete ineptitude in all things Big Brother does, in fact, extend to lying (see Sunday’s Pandora’s Box fib), so when she and Jordan start talking about who to evict, Jordan’s Spidey sense is alerted when Natalie pushes hard for Michele to take the bullet. Luckily, Jordan remembers what that wise old man Jeff told her about sticking with Michele, and she decides that, no matter what anyone like Natalie says, she’s staying the course.
Which means we can all pretty much kiss Kevin goodbye if he doesn’t win POV, and that means it’s time for a little heart-to-heart between him and his good buddy Nat, who actually has the nerve to ask him if he’s mad he’s up on the block. Um, no, why would he be? He didn’t want $500,000 or $50,000, because money is bad and he’s a socialist competing in Big Brother to protest against capitalism. C’mon, Natalie. She tries to give Kevin a pep talk, but for some reason he isn’t feeling very peppy, so you can imagine how well that goes over.
Oh boy, it’s time for the POV competition. And, not surprisingly, everyone’s terrified. Except Natalie, who’s sitting in the HOH room pretending to be nervous. The game is all about stacking up blocks matched to clues about the housemates. Kevin has a brain fart, Jordan just has no clue, but Michele goes into it with a total game plan. Hmm, who am I putting my money on?
But Kevin gets over his freak-out and starts piling up the blocks, while Michele screws up her first guess royally. Jordan, well, she’s not even in it, honestly. I think she’s just staring into space and sweating.
And then, Kevin wins it. Crap, crap, crap.
Then, we go to the live show. Kevin tells Julie he’s actually very stressed, since he holds the future of Jordan and Michele in his hands, which would sound stupid if he didn’t seem so sincere. Jordan says she misses Jeff because they used to play dumb games, which I guess is code for tonsil hockey. Natalie is just thrilled with how everything’s going and expresses this to Julie, who unfortunately does not slap her across her smug little face.
And then, back to the house. Natalie, because she can’t contain herself, toasts Kevin with Mike’s Hard Lemonade, which sends Jordan and Michele running out tearfully out of the room, and I’m guessing not just because Natalie and Kevin are drinking crap booze.
Kevin and Natalie play a game of who is more loyal, which Kevin admits to being total crap on his part, but I’m not so sure, really. At the hot tub, Natalie promises Jordan she’s going to the final three, since Kevin is obeying her orders. Which gives Jordan the freedom to go stuff her face with potato salad while Michele gives Kevin all the reasons he should keep her in the game.
Oh boy, it’s time for private time with Natalie. She says she’s 100 percent loyal to Kevin. She also says that pretending to be 18 has been a huge asset to her in the game, as everyone underestimated her as a young, immature brat, while I thought people thought she was a young, immature brat because she was one.
So, it’s time for Kevin to use his POV power and, duh, he uses it on himself. Now, it’s Jordan and Michele on the block. I don’t really want either of them to go. Jordan and Michele have both played well and haven’t, oh, lied about their age or being engaged or anything really scummy or stupid like that.
Jordan gives a pretty innocuous speech, while Michele stands up, puts on an actual pair of devil horns and begs, explaining all the reasons why Kevin really really needs to keep her, but I’m not getting the sense it’s working.
Then, Kevin has to stand up and cast his vote to Michele and Jordan’s face, which has got to suck a little. And he chooses to evict… Michele. Dammit! I’d really been hoping Michele might win the whole thing, which would be a nice victory for science nerds everywhere. I mean, besides the fact Michele will probably earn more money in a year than some of her housemates will in a lifetime, but you know what I mean.
So, sadly, it’s time for Michele to sit down with Julie. Michele, who seems very close to crying, tells Julie she thinks Kevin gave her the boot because he didn’t think he could beat her, as the jury house might have come around to understanding her game play. And now, goodbye messages. Natalie tells Michele she plays dirty and she’s a bad person (again, pot meet kettle), Kevin says he wanted to take her to final two but he feared she’d betray him and Jordan is all mushy and tells Michele she should be proud of herself and she’s an encyclopedia, which was much sweeter than it sounds. Julie then grinds salt in a wound in that magical way she has and asks Michele why everyone hates her and Michele says she doesn’t know. And honestly, I don’t know either, because I thought Michele played a pretty straight game. And let’s face it, she had a shot in hell of beating Kevin and Natalie. Jordan? Um, not so much.
It’s time for the final HOH competition. The first part is called Log Jam, which is all about holding on to a key while standing on a log. That rolls. Very, very slowly. I have to say, even when the HOH competition should be a nail biter, “Big Brother” finds a way to make it boring.
So, it’s down to final three, one of whom I like but doubt can win, one of whom I think isn’t completely evil but hasn’t played all that well and one who I’d honestly like to burn at the stake. Can’t wait for Thursday. I think.
Do you think Kevin should have evicted Jordan instead? Who do you think will win final HOH? And who do you think the jury will choose?