Holy-freaking-trailer overload, Batman! This week has been absolute madness when it comes to movie trailers, as the Max Steel and Rings previews probably should have been the biggest hits, but Russia’s Guardians came from nowhere to steal the spotlight. But any time you have a guy who transforms into a half-bear with a massive machine gun, people are going to lose their minds. That’s why I always said that NBC would’ve kept Community if they’d simply replaced Chevy Chase with a violent man-bear mutant. It’s common sense.
Anyway, we have a ton of other trailers to cover this week, starting with a surprise hit — at least in terms of YouTube views — that has Ben Wyatt and the Douche competing for the love of Mona Lisa Saperstein. This is the Parks and Recreation spin-off I always wanted!
My Blind Brother
Directed by: Sophie Goodhart
Starring: Jenny Slate, Nick Kroll, Adam Scott
What’s it about?
The rivalry between two brothers reaches a fever pitch during a charity swim competition. [IMDb]
I was surprised that this trailer has so many views, but I shouldn’t be. For starters, Goodhart won the SXSW Gamechanger Award and this film earned the Traverse City Film Festival’s Audience Award. It also stars three wonderful, funny actors, so maybe I should be surprised that it doesn’t have more views. Also, fun fact: Any time I watch something that stars Kroll, I immediately watch Gigolo HORSE. It’s an involuntary reaction at this point. This Brother swims on September 23.
The Greasy Strangler
Directed by: Jim Hosking
Starring: Michael St. Michaels, Sky Elobar, Elizabeth De Razzo
What’s it about?
Ronnie runs a Disco walking tour with his son, Brayden. When a sexy woman takes the tour, it begins a competition between father and son for her love. It also signals the arrival of an oily strangler who stalks the streets at night. [IMDb]
I don’t think the trailers for this weird movie do it justice in terms of how weird this movie looks. Honestly, I’m excited about how wonderfully bizarre this movie should be. I want to watch it right now. Get Strangled on October 7.
Manchester by the Sea
Directed by: Kenneth Lonergan
Starring: Kyle Chandler, Michelle Williams, Casey Affleck
What’s it about?
An uncle is forced to take care of his teenage nephew after the boy’s father dies. [IMDb]
WARNING: Do not watch this trailer if you cry easily. This is one emotional trailer, which, in my expert opinion, means that it will be an extremely emotional movie. Someone get the Academy on the phone, because Casey Affleck and Michelle Williams are doing curls so they can lift their statues. Head out to Sea on November 18.
But, you guys, if you think this trailer is emotional, you won’t be able to handle…
A Dog’s Purpose
Directed by: Lasse Hallström (Come on, Lasse? Seriously?)
Starring: Britt Robertson, Dennis Quaid, and – you guessed it! – JOSH GAD!
What’s it about?
A dog looks to discover his purpose in life over the course of several lifetimes and owners. [IMDb]
Movies about dogs dying should be outlawed. Fortunately, my dog is immortal, so I will never have to deal with the emotional challenges of saying goodbye to man’s best friend, but I don’t want to watch it happen in movies. Then again, this is certainly still better than the last time Josh Gad was in a movie with a dog (NSFW and possibly the worst scene in movie history). This Dog rolls over on January 27.
Kidnap
Directed by: Luis Prieto
Starring: Halle Berry, Robert Walker Branchaud, Dana Gourrier
What’s it about?
A mother stops at nothing to recover her kidnapped son. [IMDb]
Nothing against Berry or Prieto, but I’ve already watched what happens when someone messes with or threatens the wrong woman’s child. That woman’s name was Everly and she destroyed the Yakuza like it was nobody’s business. Now, Kidnap has a different premise, obviously, because Berry’s son is kidnapped and she drives her minivan into a rampage to get him back. Does she have a particular set of skills or the ability to slaughter assassin after assassin with a variety of hardcore weapons? We’ll have to wait and see. Kidnap hits the road on December 2.
The Disappointments Room
Directed by: D.J. Caruso
Starring: Kate Beckinsale, Lucas Till, Major Dad’s Gerald McRaney
What’s it about?
A mother and her young son release unimaginable horrors from the attic of their rural dream home. [IMDb]
Fun fact: This was written by Prison Break’s Wentworth Miller! Kate Beckinsale and her family move into an old home located out in the boonies, and sure enough it’s haunted. Like any good horror movie, this one is “based on real events,” so if anything it serves as a reminder that if you move into an old home and find a locked door behind an old armoire, don’t open it. Seriously, don’t go out of your way to find keys and unlock it. Just let it be. Better yet, don’t buy an old home. Find a little cookie cutter family home in the ‘burbs and wait for natural causes to take you to the next life. Unlock the Disappointments on September 9.
Mechanic: Resurrection
Directed by: Dennis Gansel
Starring: Jason Statham, Tommy Lee Jones, Jessica Alba
What’s it about?
Arthur Bishop thought he had put his murderous past behind him when his most formidable foe kidnaps the love of his life. Now he is forced to travel the globe to complete three impossible assassinations, and do what he does best, make them look like accidents. [IMDb]
Of all of Jason Statham’s ridiculous action movies, The Mechanic is one of my favorites because it wasn’t nearly as ridiculous or cartoonish as the Crank or Transporter movies. I guess someone decided to change that because Mechanic: Resurrection is an unnecessary sequel that seems to feature a fight scene at sea that looks like it was filmed in front of a blue sheet. I’m never one to express disappointment over some goofy Statham fun, but this one seems routine and paint-by-numbers on a Wild Card level. Prove me wrong, Statham. Resurrect yourself on Friday.
Lion
Directed by: Garth Davis
Starring: Rooney Mara, Nicole Kidman, Dev Patel
What’s it about?
A five-year-old Indian boy gets lost on the streets of Calcutta, thousands of kilometers from home. He survives many challenges before being adopted by a couple in Australia; 25 years later, he sets out to find his lost family. [IMDb]
So, what does this have to do with a lion? Does the boy have the power to transform into a lion like the man-bear in the Guardians trailer? Oh wait, this is one of those metaphorical titles. What a rip-off. Anyway, this one is getting a ton of awards buzz just based on the trailer, so you should watch it to make your friends think you’re smart while you secretly believe Mechanic: Resurrection is the best movie of 2016. Lion roars into theaters on November 25.
Planetarium
Directed by: Rebecca Zlotowski
Starring: Natalie Portman, Lily-Rose Depp, Emmanuel Salinger
What’s it about?
Follows the journey of sisters who are believed to possess the supernatural ability to connect with ghosts. They cross paths with a visionary French producer while performing in Paris. [IMDb]
Why doesn’t this have a cooler title like Ghost Huntresses or Spooky Sisters? Planetarium is very misleading and, frankly, kind of boring. Unless… do they work at a planetarium that plays laser Zeppelin? That’s pretty rad, if so. But I have a feeling this film is a little classier than that. It’s a shame because that laser show gets pretty trippy. Your field trip to this Plantarium begins on November 16.
The Dressmaker
Directed by: Jocelyn Moorhouse
Starring: Kate Winslet, Liam Hemsworth, Hugo Weaving
What’s it about?
A glamorous woman returns to her small town in rural Australia. With her sewing machine and haute couture style, she transforms the women and exacts sweet revenge on those who did her wrong. [IMDb]
I guess this is kind of like Kidnap in a sense, but it’s a more of a thinking woman’s vengeful scheme. That’s pretty cool, too, because not everything has to involve car chases and screaming into phones. Sometimes all you need is a sewing machine. The Dress is made on September 23.
Jack Goes Home
Directed by: Thomas Dekker
Starring: Britt Robertson, Natasha Lyonne, Nikki Reed, Rory Culkin
What’s it about?
After his father is killed in a car crash, Jack travels home to Colorado to help nurse his mother (who was injured in the crash) back to health. There, he uncovers long buried secrets and lies within his family history, his parents, his friends and his very identity. [IMDb]
I love a good small-budget thriller/horror movie, but Lin Shaye is forever the landlady from Kingpin to me, so while she’s supposed to be scaring me with a giant cleaver, all I can think of is this:
Still, Jack Goes Home looks pretty interesting, so maybe it’ll help me get past Kingpin. (I love Kingpin.) Jack Goes Home on October 14.
