So, yesterday. Hard to care about the games when star receivers are claiming that their self-inflicted gunshot wounds happened at Applebee’s, but we must soldier on. The big headlines: Steelers take care of business in Foxborough, Jets falter at home versus Broncos, Panthers beat Packers behind DeAngelo Williams’ four touchdowns, and Giants ruin Redskins’ Taylor tribute with their continuing dominance.
But let’s focus on the shitty football, shall we? Here’s who sucked:
The Bills. The 49ers got a touchdown on the opening drive, and that was enough for the win as Buffalo could manage only one field goal in four trips to the red zone at home. Against the Niners. Kicker Rian Lindell, who earlier this season starred in Wide Right: The Sequel, clanked two attempts off the uprights. The 10-3 loss virtually eliminates Buffalo from playoff contention.
The Bengals. Cincinnati really deserves some kind of award for sucking this hard every week. The Ravens compiled a highlight reel of big offensive plays in a 34-3 rout, while Ryan Fitzpatrick (12-31, 124 yards) began thinking about spending his offseason studying for the GMAT. Cedric Benson continued the legacy he began in Chicago, gaining 17 yards in ten carries.
Miami-St. Louis. Who needs touchdowns when you’ve got a kicking game? The Rams kicked four field goals to the Dolphins’ three, making Ronnie Brown’s three-yard score — the game’s only TD — the difference in a 16-12 bore-athon.
But there can only be one Suck-Off winner, and the clear victor this week is anything and everything that had anything to do with the unrivaled crapocity of the Colts’ 10-6 win over the Browns. Peyton Manning managed just 125 yards passing against a crappy Cleveland team, and the game’s only touchdown was a late fumble recovery return by the defense. Of note: Derek Anderson left with a knee injury, leaving Ken Dorsey to finish the game and serve as a giant metaphor for how the teams played.