Minus a few blowouts, Sunday’s NFL action offered a good slate of closely fought games. The Redskins won another tough NFC East road game, beating the Eagles 23-17 to up their record to 4-1 and raise the special breed of Beltway-area douchey homerism to Bostonian levels. The Titans rallied late to eke out a 13-10 win in their slugfest against the Ravens; the lowly Bengals looked tough against the Cowboys, rallying from a 17-0 deficit before Dallas put Cincy away 31-22; and the Steelers were gutsy as hell in their 26-21 win over the Jags.
However, this is the Suck-Off, and the focus should really be on the teams and players who completely blew ass. And, as with almost every other week, the Lions and Chiefs looked horrible. Detroit were impressively awful in a 34-7 blowout at home; Jon Kitna left after a half with “back spasms,” which is coach-speak for “massive sucking.” Kansas City managed to suck even harder, getting shut out at Carolina 34-0. DeAngelo Williams ran for 123 yards and scored three touchdowns, meeting his quota of one good game per year.
Other teams traveled all the way across the country just to suck. The Seahawks didn’t even play yesterday, allowing the Plaxico-less Giants to score on their first six possessions en route to a brutal 44-6 loss. The previously undefeated Bills, who embarrassed Seattle in Week 1, traveled to Arizona, where Kurt Warner and the mighty Cardinals kicked their ass all over the field, 41-17. Those footsteps the Bills hear? That’s the rest of the AFC East.
But there’s only one team that can earn Suck-Off bragging rights, and here I must tip my cap, as the Texans became the early favorite for Suck-Off Performance of the Year. Houston led the Colts 27-10 in the 4th quarter, then gave up three touchdowns in just over two minutes thanks to a pair of Sage Rosenfels fumbles. Rosenfels, given one last chance at redemption to win the game with a touchdown drive in the two-minute drill, instead threw an interception. I mean, I watched my team get blown out by more than five touchdowns yesterday, and I was just happy to not be a Texans fan. Like a porn star that died too young, that was a lot of sucking in a very short time. You earned this, Mr. Rosenfels. Bravo.