Andy Rooney cooked up his standard recipe on “60 Minutes” last night: one large chunk of old man grumpiness, three ladles of stroke-induced confusion, and a sprinkle of rambling dementia. The target of his ire this week was desire, which he called a “serious and constant defect in the human character.” Rest assured, Reverend Rooney is a sinner like the rest of us, helpless against his basest instinct to eat extra cookies after lunch.
“The medical industry makes pills for headaches, constipation, and high cholesterol, but they still haven’t invented an anti-desire pill to stop me from wanting cookies. Delicious chocolate chip cookies. I only wanted one, but I took two and ate them both. It used to be standard to put walnuts in chocolate chip cookies, but somewhere along the way that stopped happening. I guess Americans just wanted something sweeter. Where did the walnuts go? Does the government subsidize those walnut farmers? Think about that: being paid not to grow something. I’ve been not growing things my entire life, and I’ve never gotten a dime for it. Of course, a dime won’t buy you much these days. Why is that? I remember buying a Coke and a hamburger with a dime, but things slowly got more expensive. Now if you have a dime, it might as well be a penny. Why does the government still make pennies? Probably to pay the walnut farmers.”
TAKE HIM TO THE VET AND PUT HIM TO SLEEP ALREADY.