Championship parades are incredibly fun to watch because you get to see athletes and coaches let loose in a way you rarely would otherwise.
In Denver on Thursday, that meant you got to see things like Kentavious Caldwell-Pope Stone Cold beers on a bus, or Michael Malone set a new record for the drunkest coach in recent championship parade history. Now, we’ve seen some strong contenders, as Mike Budenholzer in 2021 had enjoyed more than a few and Sean McVay was torched at the Rams parade that same year, but Malone was on another planet.
Let’s take a look at the highlights of our friend Michael, as he put on a performance for the ages.
He started off strong, hopping off the buses to spray champagne into the crowd, wearing sunglasses and a hat that got steadily more askew as the day wore on and the drink count piled up.
He also called himself “Mikey Malone” while doing a hit with Denver’s TV affiliate, which is wild considering he once got mad at a sideline reporter for calling him Mike instead of Michael, before proclaiming the Nuggets are some “greedy bastards” and are going to win another one.
Michael Malone: "What a great day to celebrate a championship, but we're not done yet. We some greedy bastards, baby. We're getting another one!" pic.twitter.com/L540rfqHmC
— Dime (@DimeUPROXX) June 15, 2023
However, he really hit his stride once the Nuggets took the stage for the championship rally, as he very drunkenly told the crowd that “Brucey B” wasn’t going anywhere because Denver is “running this shit back.”
He then split half a small bottle of Fireball with DeAndre Jordan, and I’m gonna break out the telestrator and really break this video down.
Mike Malone finds more alcohol from DeAndre Jordan 😭 pic.twitter.com/P2dKNWey4R
— Alex 👋 (@Dubs408) June 15, 2023
That is textbook hammered guy focus. Watch how his entire head moves up and down as DeAndre takes his swig, absolutely lasered in on that sweet, sweet cinnamon whiskey nectar.
He then takes his half down in one gulp, and look at the right wrist as Jordan gives him a hug, that is a man without full control of his motor skills.
Bruce softly caressing the Larry O’Brien also really makes this moment, but Malone is truly in rare form. He’s not at Jack Grealish’s level at the parade, but a strong 7.5 on the Grealish Scale, which is simply unheard of for a coach. I hope Mikey’s got some Gatorade stocked up and ready for tomorrow.