Every single serious Basketball writer on the planet has spent the past few days compiling data to formulate the empirical basis for their Intellectually Sound NBA Finals picks. Swathed in dockers, they have scrupulously combed through Zachlowe columns and figured out how to rearrange his very smart Takes in new and exciting ways before making less sense of the same numbers he used within them to prove the voluminous nature of their Mind Palaces. To select the Proper choice between the Warriors and Raptors as NBA Finals champion is the highest of Academic Pursuits.
It’s all hogwash, flush it down a toilet with a turd. The Finals has always been determined by the team that can stay Cool in those rarefied, high pressure moments. If it was about reading books, Darylmorey wouldn’t keep Failing the same Test. As such, it is correct to infer that the team with the Coolest figures associated with their organization is gonna win it all. And this seasons matchup presents some of the coolest matchups in NBA Finals History. The Coolest Finals Participants can be ranked objectively based on their deeds, and as one of the foremost experts online of Coolness, I have chosen to make an assessment for the public so that you can hustle the so-called smart people you know when you gamble on the series.
COOLEST FINALS PARTICIPANTS
4.) Serge Ibaka
Serge is the one of the only NBA players consistently willing to throw actual punches and put his hands on you. Pretending you want to fight while hiding behind refs is for Cowards and Serge is no coward.
You never want to fight a man who is that handsome. He has everything to lose and he’s laying it all on the line. His presence also is one that functionally protects Kawhi, as it will be far harder to cheap shot him out of the series when you know Serge might run in and drop kick you at any moment.
His parents legally named him Boogie. One powerful name is always Cool as hell, be it Satan, Slash (below, riffing via a car, which transcends Coolness) or Pele. All Good, and all Cool.
2.) Draymond Green
Draymond has done some borderline stuff over the years. He has kicked, he has raked eyes, he has ball-tapped, he’s flopped, he has said controversial things on and off the court. All of that stuff is Good and Pretty Cool on its own merits.
But what’s really Cool about Draymond is his Honesty. It can’t be disputed that he says exactly what’s on his mind at all points and doesn’t back away from it, no matter how much it has the potential to cause issues or blow up in his face.
Draymond is unapologetically Draymond and I honor a person who is at peace with being a Scoundrel. Many people want the perks of it without the scrutiny and without drawing the ire of fans and the media. He simply doesn’t care and it’s genuinely refreshing in the Burner Account Era.
1.) Uncle Dennis
Uncle Dennis is one of those rare aspirational figures who has touched and changed all of our lives. I wish I had an Uncle Dennis and I aspire to be Uncle Dennis for others. He is a man who realized that he could personally take a hit for his nephew by being the man who told the Spurs to go away. Whereas an agent isnt as willing to mess up their relationships with FOs for future clients, Uncle Dennis was down to draw the heat. He successfully cultivated an image as a controlling and difficult mediator by keeping him away from the Spurs when the Leonard camp correctly lost trust in their medical staff. He implemented the Basketball iteration of the D.E.N.N.I.S. System in which you
Distrust the Spurs Doctor
Expose them in the media
Never respond to the organization
New Balance deal, still no contact with the org
Ignore Spurs officials and hide Kawhi in an empty office
Say absolutely nothing for two years until Kawhi is in the Finals with Toronto
Kawhi can now Win because of Uncle Dennis’s ultimate sacrifice to take the heat off of him, and they also managed to take Kawhi’s quirky nature that was at the root of the confusing Spurs saga and turn it into one of the great marketing campaigns of a Player/Brand in recent years. He is a Visionary and the great martyr of our times and in coming centuries, religious texts will speak of his righteous deeds.
FINALS PREDICTION: Uncle Dennis/Serge > Dray/Boogie, Raptors in 7
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