FlipBoardIn the immortal words of Kenny Powers, it’s with much disbelief that I ask, “Sh*t, you can die from that?”. Apparently, watching a porno ranks somewhere up next to fighting terrorism on planet Earth’s danger chart. The UK’s Daily Mail recently ran an article featuring the timeless story of a beautiful young woman who died whilst masturbating to a porno flick. Oh don’t you worry, in respectable Daily Mail fashion, the article was sure to feature the woman’s full name, yet still manage to withhold the title of the porno that did her in. I’m guessing she must have been watching Eff Me To Death: Volume 3, but I could be wrong. It definitely may have been Volume 2.
A 30-year-old woman’s death as she used a sex toy while watching pornography was probably due to her state of sexual excitement, an inquest heard today. Children’s nanny Nichola Paginton was found dead in bed naked from the waist down last October with pornographic material running on her laptop. A sex toy was discovered next to her.
A Home Office pathologist told the inquest in Gloucester that Miss Paginton died from a sudden heart arrhythmia, probably brought on by her state of arousal.
‘After they [the neighbors-Ed.] broke in they realised Miss Paginton was dead,’ said Sgt Webb. ‘She had a computer on her lap and when they moved it and lifted the duvet, they found she was naked from the waist down and there was a vibrator in the bed.
‘The laptop was still displaying pornographic material.’
Talk about one hell of a way to go out, am I right? Man, hats off to whoever had to write up that eulogy. I’d just as soon manage BP Oil’s Facebook page than try to make sense of a world that kills people mid art film. This story hits especially close to home for me, as I myself was once involved in a near-fatal FAPPING incident. I was ten-years-old at the time and, for once, my parents allowed me stay up past nine o’clock so that I could watch a Gloria Estefan concert on the Disney Channel. At the time I wasn’t fully aware, but looking back I can definitely see the blatant danger in me having a two hour long erection without any Pedialyte. Really it kind of boils down to bad parenting, but what can I say? I survived through sheer perseverance and inner strength.
Special thanks to the Dailycontributor for the tip.
-Chodin
HOW MANY CHILDREN HAVE TO FUCKING DIE WHILE *I* MASTURBATE BEFORE *I* MAKE THE DAILY MAIL???
Quit hiding the bodies so well Fek. Or just park the van out front, that should get their attention.
I *still* can’t decide whether this is the best, or the worst way to go. One one hand, you’re offed in probably the moment of climax… on the other, imagine people having to try to explain it at your funeral.
“Yup, he died reading WWTDD, pants around his ankles, hand full of vaseline, smile on his face”
*tiptoe dances on to stage in Pee Wee Herman outfit*
Guy’cha! A masturbation addiction really CAN ruin your life. Be sure to get a grip on it! hEy’O!
This story would be super hot, except that only a fatty pig fatty would code out from such low-grade physical exertion. Dammit, now I want a ham sandwich.
Was the movie Anal Infarction 12?
yeah right she was masturbating, she was raped and killed by an invisible Kavin Bacon
Fek I dont know what has gotten into you today but I LIKE IT!
Waaaaaiiiiiit, has anyone seen Al today???
Gloria Estefan’s ethnic warblings leave me cold. But her bus accident still gives me a tingle when I think about it.
Bubb Rubb, every ounce of me wants to keep from telling you that the picture on the Daily Mail link isn’t half bad looking. So I’m not going to tell you that. Ever.
So you really can wank yourself to death. I mean i’v done it until I passed out but Jesus, time to read a book or something!
are we sure this did not happen in Canada?
I personally have no doubt that it occurred while watching Mr. Hands.
She was fat on the inside, Chod. And that’s the worst fat of all.
The real shocker of this story? It wasn’t a Twihard soccer mom that had dry humped a stuffed wolf to death with her “Hanes Her Way” grannie panties around one thigh and an apple stuck in her mouth like a pseudo-roasted-pig-ball-gag.
*Image search dead nanny porno*
*Engages is frenzied “research”*
Aaaaaaand I’m back!
*Laptop shorts out, sparks fly from wet keyboard*
I have to congratulate Chod on that brilliant banner pic with the ring girl comming out of the porn Tv, bravo Sir!
David Carradine’s ghost was heard to remark, “Aaaamaaateurrrrr.”
Chodin must like that banner pic, because he put a Ring on it.
“Well, it looks like she…”
*Sunglasses*
“…picked up some bad vibrations.”
*YYYYYEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH*
And that’s why you never buy a vibrator that’s called a Buzzkill.
Death by arousal is not uncommon, just look under my floorboards.
Xorfax, out.
[Swings into thread with army of monkeys]
She took the whole little death thing a bit too far.
Update! There have been two arrests made. One Rabbit and his accomplice, The Energizer Bunny.
Fucking Chinese vibrators will kill you.
Seems death slashed her whole life short and snatched her in her prime.
I’m gonna go home right now and throw away all my vibrators.
Haha! Just kidding. I’ll see if I can recycle them.
I suggest it was Miss Paginton, in the bedroom, with the candlestick.
Serious blow to the marketing department of The Ring 3: Cockring.
“Well, it looks like she…”
*Sunglasses*
“…came and went at the same time.”
*YYYYYEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH*
That must have been one damn good orgasm.