Senior Editor
02.01.08 258 Comments

Opening This Weekend

The Eye – I don’t like Jessica Alba because when she was on Punk’d she acted all put out because a naked guy was in the store with her.  Whatever, prude.  As I tell the neighborhood children, God chiseled this junk in his own image.  Anyway, this remake of a Hong Kong horror movie looks about as interesting as Jessica Alba herself.

Over Her Dead Body – Oh hey, it’s Eva Longoria, someone even more boring and annoying. I hate it, but I’ve also never seen it or anything else she’s been in.  Let’s hear what the critics have to say. "So bland, lifeless, and unimaginative, I wanted to poke the screen to see if it was really there."  "The line is fine between cute and annoying."  Hey, nice rhyme.  Let me try: The rain in Spain falls mainly on the plain, rather than see this movie, I’d stab myself in the brain.


Strange Wllderness – In fairness to Happy Madison, I thought Grandma’s Boy looked atrocious, but it really wasn’t too bad.  However, the Strange Wilderness TV spot has stoner laughing dubbed over footage of a shark, and they apparently thought it was so funny that they repeat the clip twice.  Getting stoned and watching the discovery channel > watching Strange Wilderness.  Oh well, fellas, thanks for the idea.

Winners this weekend: Blockbuster, Netflix, going outside, crying yourself to sleep.      


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