Power Ranking All The Flavors Of La Croix

08.17.18 11 months ago 13 Comments


Tooth enamel? Who needs it! Certainly not me, because I can’t seem to stop ranking shit that is bound to rot my teeth. Some people lose teeth for doing crazy stuff like cliff diving or bare-knuckle boxing or hockey. Me? I like the nice slow dissolve of a burp-inducing carbonated beverage. I’m a real American rebel.

Over the past two weeks, I’ve ranked sodas and other fountain drinks. Now I’m taking on the viral drink of 2016, the sweet elixir that’s mispronounced in market aisles across America: La Croix.

La Croix is a brand of sparkling water beverages that are flavored with ‘essence’ — which is basically the oils of whatever flavor it is you’re drinking. Almost every flavor tastes like somebody left some fruit in carbonated water for like a week. La Croix and the people who drink it, pride themselves on the fact that their carbonated waters have nothing artificial in them and they’re a healthier option than sweetened beverages. There are also a ton of flavors, including limited and seasonal releases.

If you’ve yet to deep dive into the world of La Croix, we’re here to rank every mainline flavor so you don’t have to. We aren’t bothering with the plain sparkling water flavor, it’s not all that different from other sparkling waters on the market. And we won’t be ranking the Curate line of combo flavors because… this brand is just too extra and if we held the article ’til I finished those, they’d come up with some other line. As for the ranking system, what better way to pit various La Croix flavors against each other than with pictures of their number one demographic: Hipster Doofuses! Doofi? Both sound stupid; let’s roll.

13. Peach-Pear

La Croix

Nausea in a can. Something about Peach-Pear just tastes off. It has a rotten fruit quality to it that we can’t help but find incredibly unsettling to the stomach. There is nothing appealing about this flavor, the color of the can, the fermented pear aroma, the small hint of peach that causes your taste buds to beg for anything else.

We don’t know who likes this flavor but if it’s you, please speak up. It works decent enough as a mixer with a good gin but is seriously lacking in any redeeming qualities.


The Verdict: All you wanted was a Gin and Tonic, but Bruno went and just decided to use La Croix Peach Pear as a substitute for tonic water. What is wrong with you Bruno? You sure are one hipster doofus!

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