“Do another ranking list!” My editor said as I was running (trying desperately to work off the fast food breakfast sandwiches I had eaten and am now addicted to). I immediately asked if I could rank the 7-Eleven wines because (I thought), “Why not get reimbursed for what I’m already going to do anyway?”
Yes, I know. So gross. I’m probably filled with enough toxins to be considered a super fund site. So I immediately pumped my fist in the air while running, frightening other people with their dogs. (Related: I’m lying about the running. I was walking….slowly…but in full running clothes, and my face was red from the one block I did run so….)
Honestly, I was excited. I thought once again that “this will be fun!” and I skipped to 7-Eleven with the joy of a child on her first day of summer. I was going to write about wine for my job. Next stop, fame. Never mind the fact that it was going to be (ostensibly) bad wine. I was looking forward to this assignment. So I creepily entered 7-Eleven and spent a very long time looking at the wines. It definitely looked like I was about to steal one. Who carefully considers the wine selection in a convenience store? But luckily, I was not kicked out or arrested, and finally, I made my six selections and headed to the counter.
“Fun!” The cashier said with a smile as I placed my six bottles of wine on the register. “Are you having a party?”
“No,” I said maintaining eye contact. “No, I’m not.” And as her smile dropped, I realized that I would never be able to visit said 7-Eleven again. (Oh who am I kidding? I have no shame. I’ll be there next week.)
So, the rules. For my fast food piece, some people were upset that the rules seemed unclear. “Where are the biscuits?” you cried. “Burritos don’t count!” you moaned. So I’m going to be clearer about the rules this time.
1st RULE: You do not talk about 7-Eleven Wine Club.
2nd RULE: You DO NOT talk about 7-Eleven Wine CLUB.
3rd RULE: If I say “stop” or go limp, then tap out, the wine is over.
4th RULE: Only one gal to a wine.
5th RULE: One wine at a time.
6th RULE: No shirts, no shoes.
7th RULE: Wine tastings will go on as long as they have to.
8th RULE: If this is your first night at Wine Club, you HAVE to DRINK.
- The point system drastically changed as I got tipsy. Also, IT. IS. MEANINGLESS.
- I stuck with one kind of wine (Pinot Grigio) out of fairness. I’m not going to judge a whole wine company based on their disgusting Chardonnay (I really do not care for Chardonnay).
- I did not eat before embarking on this journey. This was a mistake.
- Final thought: I know nothing about the wine, so you may decimate me in the comments.
Barefoot Pinto Grigio Champagne
What Barefoot Says: “Enjoy the refreshing taste of our Pinot Grigio with a unique twist – bubbles! Barefoot Bubbly Pinot Grigio is one of the only Pinot Grigio sparkling wines from California. Light-bodied and refreshing, our Bubbly Pinot Grigio bubbles over with citrus flavors and orange blossom aromas.”
Score: -10,000 points out of 100
What I thought: This tasted like the sweetest, grossest champagne ever. I’m not sure why I thought it would be good. I mean I liked Pinot Grigio so I figured this would taste like a bubbly Pinot Grigio. Did it? I don’t know. If this is what Pinot Grigio tastes like then I now hate it.
It was like wine mixed with soda, mixed with fruit juice, mixed with sadness. I took a big gulp and literally gagged. I don’t know if its Barefoot’s fault or if it’s mine. I think it’s mine. I make really bad decisions. This is the type of wine Buster Bluth would love because it tastes like “unlimited juice.”
Did I finish my glass? Yes? Why? That’s a question I’ll be exploring in therapy for years.
Edna Valley Pinot Grigio
What Edna Valley Says: “Our Edna Valley Vineyard Pinot Grigio offers floral and ripe stone fruit notes on the nose that jump out of the glass. Elegant flavors of pear, apple and white peach create a delightful palate with a crisp, refreshing acidity. Hints of limestone and crushed seashell reflect its Central Coast origins and make this wine truly memorable.”
Score: 50 points out of 100
What I Thought: First of all, let’s just linger on the description. Hints of crushed seashell and limestone? Really guys? Is that supposed to sound appealing? What are we drinking tonight? Oh well I crushed up a rock and put it in a glass. ENJOY. IT’S FANCY. I guess the memorable part is that you might crack a tooth.
So this was the most expensive and honestly pretty tasteless? Which is better than bad, but the opposite of “jumping out of the glass at me.” Unless it was jumping out of the glass to punch me. Also, (speaking of the description) what’s a white peach? Is that a thing? (googles) I guess that’s a thing. Huh.
I write for the food section guys. The food section, just remember that.
Prophecy Pinot Grigio
What Prophecy Says: “Our Pinot Grigio offers the best of the high altitude delle Venezie region. Flavors of light citrus, tropical fruit and mineral notes offer crisp, refreshment and are complemented by delicate floral aromas.”
Score: 8 points out of 100
What I Thought: Is mineral notes like “a thing” in wine? Fine, I guess it is. Well, this tasted like crushed up gravel that I drove over, so it’s obviously a great success. Thanks guys, I love all the minerals.
So….I found this wine to be crisp, and so yes, I would say it’s a high altitude wine (Like the description). Like you opened your mouth while skiing, and air rushed in, and it was fine? Like you wouldn’t say it was the cleanest air in the world, but it tasted like air. And rocks I guess. Like you bit into an orange and a rock was inside.
Cupcake Pinot Grigio
What Cupcake Says: “Escape to Italy with our Pinot Grigio sourced from Trentino. Full and complex, this wine has a nose that hints of pineapple, pears and sweet lemons. Tropical fruits are integrated with the zest of citrus fruits and give way to a creamy mid-palate. We achieved depth and complexity through a combination of winemaking methods. First, grapes were hand-picked, de-stemmed and crushed prior to undergoing cool fermentation in steel tanks and an extended maceration. A small portion of the wine was made with the traditional passito method: we dried harvested grapes on straw mats for several weeks, then gently pressed and fermented them before blending.”
Score: 48 out of 100
What I Thought: Ughhhhh too sweet. I mean you’re “Cupcake wine” so I get it. But it really was a tad too sweet. And tasted like plastic. Hey, if we’re doing rocks, I feel like we can get on board with plastic too. This tasted like a brand new plastic doll smells, if that makes sense?
Like if you’re the type of person to swallow Barbie doll heads for pleasure, this is the wine I would pair with it.
Glen Ellen Pinot Grigio
What Glenn Ellen Says: “This Pinot Grigio is a light-bodied wine that bursts with flavors and aromas of citrus, nectarine, fresh peach, melon and apple with the flavorful fruity mouthful that delights. Enjoy a clean, crisp finish in this refreshing value choice. Pair with crab and garlic noodles, fresh summer salads and all things chicken.”
Score: -100 out of 100
What I Thought: I’m surprised lemon wasn’t on the list of fruits that this should taste of because this was definitely sour. I made a face when I sipped it like I was eating a sour patch kid, but like — with less pleasure. And I did not pair this with “crab and garlic noodles.” I paired it with disappointment. I wish I had garlic noodles. Anything to wash the taste out of my mouth.
I mean would I drink it over Chardonnay? Of course… but that isn’t saying much. Would I drink it over nothing at all? Also, of course. But I still would like to commit to the record that this is not a good wine. Not even a little bit. Garlic Noodles with crab would make a much better wine.
Ecco Domani Pinot Grigio
What Ecco Domani Says: “Our Ecco Domani delle Venezie IGT Italian Pinot Grigio Wine is pale straw in hue and has delicate floral aromas with a hint of citrus. On the palate, the wine offers tropical fruit flavors and a crisp, refreshing finish.”
Score: 75 out of 62
What I Thought: This was my favorite, just enough flavor to be tasty with just that hint of citrus. I also like that they aren’t pretentious in the description. Because I mean come on…We know what we’re dealing with here. If you are on a first name basis with your local 7-Eleven staff, this will taste good to you. And this isn’t just the wine talking (of which I have had the equivalent of a few glasses now).
Did Ecco Domani get an advantage because I drunk tasted it? The answer is no. I am a wine expert. And my rankings are always fair and balanced. So yes, I’ve had some wine. Who hasn’t? Not enough to share all my deepest and darkest secrets with you — I’ll tell you that. Like I certainly won’t reveal that time I ran over a man in the street and just kept driving or that I’M THE TIME TRAVELING ZODIAC KILLER AND I SET UP TED CRUZ AS A PRANK. No siree. No secrets being revealed here.
I am simply your neighborhood wine expert telling it how it is. Bravo Ecco Domani!