Look, we’re going to tell it you straight, the team of hunky astronauts we sent up in a rocket to stop Christmas from coming has failed. And now we’re at T-minus 5 days. Doomed to drink eggnog and gather ’round the tree to sing carols. Which means — we’re at critical mass for present shopping. No turning back, it’s just time to just brace yourself, accept your fate, and get those gifts.
THERE’S NO STOPPING THIS TRAIN. AND NO ANTI-CHRISTMAS BUNKER WILL SAVE YOU NOW.
Stop crying! There’s no time for that! (Throws water in your face). Get it together, man. You can do this, even though you waited so ridiculously long to get your partner a present. We can salvage something from the ruins of her dream holiday and still make her Christmas perfect. All is not doomed. Not if we can help it.