It’s National Oreo Day! And while I’m sure most of you are scrambling for a last minute card for the missus (How could you forget AGAIN, Bob? And I got you those hand made Oreo cuff links you wanted and EVERYTHING), here at Uproxx we’re musing over the absolutely crazy amount of flavors that Oreo has out on the market, and that’s not even counting all of the limited editions that have come and gone. (We’ll always pour one out for you, DQ Blizzard Creme and Strawberry Milkshake. You gave it your best shot, boys. You rest easy now. We’ll look in on the wife and kids here and there. Make sure Tommy knows how to throw a ball. Don’t you worry.).
So in honor of this great holiday (one that we’ll always say MERRY OREO DAY for; None of that PC “Happy Cookies” bullshit), we thought we’d rank the Oreo flavors from least weird to really, really weird. Not that we’re judging you if you’re into that kind of thing. If you’re okay with stool that’s bright pink, that’s entirely up to you and your God. And maybe your physician. We recommend calling a physician…
Classic Oreos are delicious and by default have to be the “least weird” flavor. I mean they’re just a good ol’ fashioned purely American classic food like Tacos or Falafel. Whether it’s snack day at your kid’s school or it’s your turn to bring the cookies to your court mandated anger management meeting, you can’t go wrong with a classic Oreo. People just like them.
Double Stuf Oreo
Ah, the double stuf. Now this is the Oreo I grew up with. Little Allison would open her paper bag lunch all though elementary school to find all of her favorites, a plain ham sandwich, a baggy full of pretzels, a carton of menthol cigarettes, and two perfect double stufed oreos just waiting to be devoured. Those were the days.
Look, some of us like the classic chocolate and creme flavoring, and some of us just want to keep their whites and blacks on different cookies! LIFE IS A RICH TAPESTRY OF HORRIFIC HUMANITY. But luckily, Oreo’s got you covered either way.
Heads or Tails Double Stuf Oreo
I don’t know. I mean these are FINE. Just not really enough of EITHER the chocolate taste or the vanilla taste to be totally satisfying. But for those of you who stand at the head of the Chipotle line debating for 17 minutes whether you want a burrito or taco and agonizing over every single option, these oreos are a good choice for your indecisive asses. Now you can never choose in the comfort of your own home.
I don’t know when in my life I got turned off by mint chocolate, but somewhere along the line there’s some sort of horrible repressed memory of me watching a clown murder a basket of kittens while I had a peppermint in my mouth and was eating a Hershey bar. Or something. Because I’m just not that big a fan. I’d rather have them separate, you know?
Although, I do like Thin Mints, but only frozen. ALWAYS FROZEN.
Fudge Cremes Oreo
This is the perfect Oreo to slip out of its packaging, arrange on a plate at Christmas, and announce that the cookies have been “hand dipped.” Sure, they’re still Oreos, but they lend an air of sophistication that you just can’t get with the normal stuff. Maybe you’ll be able to afford new underwear this year, these cookies seem to say, or maybe you’ll go back to school.
If prisoners can become lawyers THEN WHY CAN’T YOU? Yeah, these Oreos are really the first step at turning your life around. You will have the wine at Trader Joe’s that’s a dollar more, thank you very much. 3.99 sounds very reasonable (you’ll say while looking for pennies covered in gum at the bottom of your bag). Very reasonable, indeed.
Oreo Chocolate Creme
It feels like, I don’t know, this isn’t an Oreo at all. I mean without the flavored creme, isn’t it just a chocolate cookie? These are the hard questions that keep me up at night. That, and my dog’s farting.
Chocolate Berry Creme Oreo
I mean I get strawberry in an Oreo. Like a chocolate covered strawberry, this is the only Oreo they serve at fancy parties that involve champagne (I assume). But I’ve never been that jazzed about generic berry flavor and I really can’t get on board with it. Keep mixed berries in your handmade granola where they belong, ya hippies.
High on the “weird” scale only because I don’t know what kind of monstrous weirdo would want less stuff and more cookie. Certainly not the type of sicko I’d want to meet in an alley late at night, I’ll tell you that.
Birthday Cake Oreo
This is the confetti cake version of an Oreo and I AM TOTALLY ON BOARD. Do the little splashes of color actually make it taste better? I don’t know, dummy, ARE THE RED M&MS THE BEST TASTING M&MS? (YES).
Cookie Dough Oreo
You can put cookie dough into anything and I am there. This is never going to be as delicious as actual salmonella laced homemade cookie dough, of course, but few things are.
Was this something we needed? Were we all throwing tea parties and wishing we had a treat that would taste the way lemon Pledge smells? If so, I missed the memo. WHO IS BUYING THESE??
Marshmallow Crispy Creme Oreo
I mean, my biggest confusion here is why they didn’t put the marshmallow between chocolate graham cracker swirl cookies and call it the S’MORES COOKIE WE ALL KNOW IT SHOULD BE. Also — while I get that they probably didn’t have the rights to call it a Rice Krispie Treat cookie, a “marshmallow crispy” sounds like an off-brand Japanese version that was translated incorrectly.
Look- there are reports that this cookie makes you poop out rainbow colored stool. But what nobody is explaining to me is: Why is that such a bad thing? We can’t have a nice looking bowel movement once in awhile? What are we, poor? I’m not going to lie, I’m HIGHLY interested in trying this one out specifically for that reason. And while it may not be the marketing campaign that Oreo expected, I think it was the one they needed…deep inside. And if you’ll excuse me, my deep insides are about to be pink and cheerful. I’ve got some eating to do.