Here’s the thing about the Unicorn Frappucino, everyone seems to hate it. Really. Everyone. Baristas, customers, late night hosts, and probably even fictional unicorns themselves are horrified by the sour monstrosity. And I don’t think it’s overdramatic to say that it seems like the sort of thing that humanity should be Old Testament smited for. Like, households should have to smear their doorways with regular coffee grounds to keep the Angel of Death away.
Personally, I tried the Frappucino last week and couldn’t stomach more than a couple of sips. It tastes like the terrible medicine that your mother insists you take when you have the flu. I mean, they even find a way to make the whip cream taste bad (with whatever devil’s powder they have sprinkled all over it). I hated it. And yet, stores all over the country are completely sold out of the ingredients. It’s baffling. People are rushing out to buy the drink like it’s a beanie baby in 1996. It’s that level of insanity.
Now, there’s a terrifying new creation in town, the Unicorn Lemonade. This is still off menu, but Reddit is exploding with frustrated baristas who do not want to make the new drink. So of course, my editor asked me to drink one. I felt like a jerk, but I soon realized that it was important work: If I hadn’t tasted it, some of you out there might feel compelled to order the drink yourselves. And believe me, you do not want to do so.
The barista had no idea what I was talking about so I showed him a picture with the instructions I found online on how to make it. And while I was there, I asked him if they were super miserable with all the Unicorn Fraps being ordered. “Welllll, it is a lot of steps,” he said diplomatically. He told me that the day before had been especially crazy because they were one of the few Starbucks left in the area that could even make it. People were specifically driving miles out of their way to get them.
Being a good sport, my Starbucks barista bravely attempted to make the Unicorn Lemonade for me. It did not turn out well. This is how it looks on Instagram:
This is how mine looked:
The blue powdered lemonade just IMMEDIATELY mixed with the passion fruit tea. I don’t know how the magician who created the instagram images did so without the liquids mixing. Maybe actual unicorn magic. A second barista, upon handing me the drink, offered a look of pity. “Try it,” she said. “You can ask me for something else.”
She clearly knew what she had done. What I’d forced her to do. And her humanity didn’t allow her to hand it over without a warning. It tasted awful. My husband tried it and made a face immediately. “A child could do better with random ingredients from the fridge,” he said. It was like a bad Kool-Aide. The powder grittily coated the top of our mouths even though we stirred it as many times as humanly possible. We each took a sip and then I deposited it in the only place acceptable for such a thing: the garbage.
The Unicorn Frappucino and its bastard cousin, the Unicorn Lemonade, are gone already. But they sold so well that they’re sure to come back. Often. Oh America, this is why we can’t have nice things…