This week on Top Chef, we were down to just four chefs. All of whom, with the exception of John, aka Bangles, were final four chefs on their previous seasons of Top Chef (this being the “veterans vs. rookies” themed season). Meaning, we were already down to the best of the best. Perhaps not coincidentally, they all cooked pretty well this week. Sidenote: How the hell did Bangles make the final four?
On the plus side, better cooking can mean only one thing: that’s right, bitchier nitpicks (*guitar solo, toilet flush, Manswers theme music*). And hoo boy, were this week’s nitpicks bitchy. In fact the elimination challenge hinged on a question of what was worse, not peeling your peppers (“that’s just a pet peeve of mine,” bitched Tom Collicchio, bitchily) or using a sous vide to cook a pork tenderloin (“sous vide ruins the texture of the tenderloin,” whinged guest judge Sean Brock).
I’ll be honest, folks, I have more food opinions than most people believe can be contained in one man, and I have never once considered having an opinion about either of those things. These peppers have SKINS?! Pennington, gather my things and have the servants flayed.
But we’re getting ahead of ourselves. In the Quickfire, the producers pulled the old “having-to-tell-your-significant-other-how-to-cook-a-dish-through-a-privacy-screen” challenge. Only, they didn’t actually know it was their significant other, except for Sheldon, because Sheldon is the sweet one. The guest judge for this challenge was Michael Solomonov, by the way, who apparently didn’t even warrant the usual resume-fluffing cutaway. “Michael Solomonov? He’s like the Jay-Z of South Ossetian porridgery!”
After that, Padma cooked for the group, getting a plug in for her own line of “organic, frozen rice.” FROZEN rice?! (*record scratch*) (“Get a rope…”). I’m guessing this was in her contract, because no one even made fun of her. Actually, I’m kind of surprised Padma didn’t show up in some form-fitting white outfit and then “accidentally” steam up her shirt, tormenting the boys with it. “Hey, Sheldon, havin’ some trouble walking there, bud? Ha ha ha.”
Finally, for the elimination challenge, the chefs were tasked with “cooking a dish that represents your journey here,” with the winner getting to cook at the James Beard House. That’s apparently a big honor, which is funny, because they also revealed that the prestigious “James Beard Award” used to be called the “Who’s Who of Cooking,” which sounds like one of those scam books you have to pay to get your name in. Anything called “Who’s Who” now sounds so sketchy that I bet at least one person in the Trump cabinet lists a Who’s Who book credit in their official bio.