Jason Statham Receives A Nasty Rock Bottom In The New ‘Furious 7’ Trailer

Finally, someone has been paying attention to my fan fiction that imagines what it might look like if The Rock and Jason Statham fought for eternal dominance of this world’s macho realm. The newest trailer for Fast & Furious 7, AKA Furious 7, reveals a film that looks all of us who didn’t believe this franchise could get any more ridiculous right in the eyes and then spits Four Loko all over our neck tattoos and laughs. We’ve got Statham being a huge badass, busses with giant guns built in, Tyrese reluctant to drive a car out of a plane, Kurt Russell grumbling clichés, The Rock destroying a city with a Gatling gun, Ronda Rousey and Michelle Rodriguez battling for the Dubai Elegant Women’s Fighting Championship, and Vin Diesel jumping a car from one skyscraper into another. What, no Hafþór Júlíus Björnsson bench-pressing cars?

But most importantly, this trailer has family, which is a bittersweet reminder of the loss of Paul Walker and what it means to his brothers and sisters in this film. However, if the next trailer doesn’t feature Bone Thugs-N-Harmony’s “Crossroads,” I will be both shocked and disappointed.