Kim Basinger Has Been Cast In The ’50 Shades’ Sequel, In A Passing Of The Kink Torch

According to Variety, Kim Basinger has joined the cast of Fifty Shades Darker, the sequel to last year’s pseudo-erotic S&M rom-dram Twilight fanfic blockbuster extravaganza Fifty Shades of Grey. Basinger is set to play the “key role” of Elena Lincoln, who’s both Christian Grey’s (Jamie Dornan) business partner and his one-time dom, the older woman who introduced him to the world of tying people up and whipping them for funsies.

In the books, which I have absolutely read and will expound on at length upon request, Lincoln is oft-referred to as “Mrs. Robinson” — she’s a friend of Christian’s family who teaches a teenage Christian how to channel his inchoate rage into full-fledged sadomasochism. When Christian grows up, the two stop melting wax onto each other’s flesh and become friends, the kind of friends who co-own a fancy salon and have intimate dinners at which they reminisce about all the times they dangled one another over raging waterfalls. Everything is fine and healthy and great and not at all statutory-rape-y between the two until Christian’s current (and literal) squeeze Anastasia Steele (Dakota Johnson) becomes jealous of his lasting friendship with Elena and the fact that he invests in her fancy salon, and Christian’s like, “No, Anastasia, we’re just pals,” and Elena’s like, “No we’re not, he’s mine,” and hold on, I have to go wash out my brain.

Though everyone from Charlize Theron to Naomi Watts to Nicole Kidman was previously rumored for the role of Elena, Basinger seems like the obvious choice, now that we’re here on this cold January Thursday, thinking about Kim Basinger beating the hell out of Jamie Dornan. After all, this is the same woman who made Jell-O and a pitcher of milk sexy in 9 1/2 Weeks, the S&M touchstone that likely paved the way for Fifty Shades Of Grey and broke thousands of refrigerators across the nation.

Fifty Shades Darker and the third film, Fifty Shades Freed, will shoot back-to-back, blindfolded, naked, wielding knives, perched on the edge of a cliff.