A discussion about the upcoming VOD film Money Plane, in five parts.
PART ONE — I can’t wait to tell you about Money Plane
Money Plane is a movie about a plane filled with money. Specifically, the plane is “a bulletproof casino in the sky” that contains over a billion dollars worth of cryptocurrency and cash, as well as, apparently, many packages of cocaine. It is, as we learn in the trailer, “a legend in the underground” and “untouchable by any government agency,” which is good for the money plane because the passengers — a collection of the world’s most notorious criminals — can gamble on anything they want, from regular roulette to Russian roulette.
Guess if someone is going to try to rob the money plane.
A professional thief with $40 million in debt and his family’s life on the line must commit one final heist – rob a futuristic airborne casino filled with the world’s most dangerous criminals.
This is easily one of the top five sentences I’ve ever read. Not even just for a movie description. I’m talking all sentences, all-time, every one that has crossed my eyes in three-plus decades. It’s got everything I could ask for: dangerous criminals, a futuristic airborne casino filled with dangerous criminals, a professional thief doing one last job. It’s perfect. It’s like Ocean’s Eleven crossed with Con Air crossed with Money Train, the 1995 film that stars Wesley Snipes and Woody Harrelson as thieves who are trying to rob a train filled with money. I hope we keep this trend going and make a new Money [Method of Transportation] movie every 25 years. We can do Money Submarine in 2045, Money Blimp in 2070, and, I don’t know, let’s say Money Rocketship in 2095. Most of us will be in the ground by then but it will be comforting to know traditions like this continue after we’re gone.
All of which is to say, this is the most excited I’ve been about a VOD movie since John Travolta hopped into a series of speedboats two years ago. I imagine you’re wondering how this can possibly get any better.
PART TWO — Kelsey Grammer is in Money Plane
See all those quotes in the first section? The ones about bulletproof casinos in the sky and underground legends? They are all said by Kelsey Grammer, Frasier Crane himself, who is in Money Plane for some unknowable reason. He plays the biggest bad guy of them all, the one who sets this whole thing in motion, the one who buys the professional thief’s $40 million debt and forces him to rob the money plane. Here are some things Kelsey Grammer does in this trailer:
- Lights a cigar and asks our hero if he’s “a gambling man”
- While explaining the job, after saying the thing about it being a legend in the underground, literally says “it’s the money plane,” which, as a fan of movies where someone says the title of the movie in a piece of dialogue, made me whoop out loud a little
- Grabs what appears to be some sort of AK-47-type automatic weapon while shouting “NOW BRING ME MY MONEY”
This all raises a number of questions, including “Why is Kelsey Grammer in Money Plane?” and “Is Kelsey Grammer okay?” and “Seriously, why is Kelsey Grammer in Money Plane?” The most important question it raises for me, however, is “Will Kelsey Grammer tell the main character that the two of them are ‘not so different’ at some point?” It seems like a movie where the bad guy will say that. It seems so much like the kind of movie where the bad guy will say that.
I will be furious if he doesn’t. Just inconsolable. I’m actually kind of nervous now.
PART THREE — Look at the rest of the cast of Money Plane
Money Plane stars Adam Copeland, perhaps best known as former WWE champion Edge, as the troubled thief. Kelsey Grammer is starring in a movie where he forces a former WWE champion to rob an airborne casino. And Copeland’s wife is played by, you guessed it, Denise Richards, star of Wild Things and Starship Troopers and exactly the type of person who would play the endangered wife of a thief who is robbing a lawless flying casino at the behest of Kelsey Grammer in a movie titled Money Plane. (It says a lot about Money Plane that Thomas Jane is in the movie and I’ve buried it in this parenthetical.) The movie itself is filled with as much treasure as the titular plane at the center of its plot. You can’t imagine how happy this makes me.
And it gets better. Guess how many of the Lawrence brothers are involved in Money Plane. I’m just going to tell you. Three. Three Lawrence brothers are involved in Money Plane. Joey and Matthew — the former best known for his 90s heartthrob run as Blossom’s brother, the latter probably best known as Shawn Hunter’s half-brother on Boy Meets World — pop up briefly in the trailer. The reason for this, one assumes, is because Money Plane was written and directed by the third Lawrence brother, Andrew.
This is already my favorite movie.
PART FOUR — Look at the official poster for Money Plane
Do we have cutouts of our four main characters in formal attire against a background of clouds? We do.
Are two of the main characters holding handguns while two other unnamed characters shoot automatic weapons in front of an exploding plane? Of course.
Does it feature an objectively perfect tagline like “An explosive casino heist in the sky”? Baby, it’s in all-caps right under the title, which is, again, Money Plane.
I think I’m hyperventilating from excitement. I want to stuff this movie into a feedbag and strap it around my neck.
PART FIVE — Three screencaps from Money Plane presented with no further context or explanation
Money Plane is set to release on July 10.
We are all going to see it.
I can’t wait.
IT’S THE MONEY PLANE!