The 2018 Best Picture Race, Analyzed By Someone Who Missed Most Of The Nominees

03.01.18 4 Comments

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Well well well, look at that. It’s time for the Oscars again. Hollywood’s biggest night takes place this Sunday, with Jimmy Kimmel hosting the ceremony, and everyone is very excited abouwhooooooops I didn’t see most of the Best Picture nominess again. Crap. This happens every year. I always tell myself “Okay, Brian, you have plenty of time if you get out ahead of it. You can definitely see at least half of the nominees this year,” and then I just… don’t. I saw two of the nine nominated movies this year and I saw both of them in the past month.

I can’t even really blame it on my busy schedule of watching television shows for my job. I found time to see lots of movies in 2017. I saw Baby Driver and Logan and Logan Lucky and Coco and Wonder Woman and Spider-Man: Homecoming and Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 2 and The Lego Batman Movie and John Wick 2 and Kong: Skull Island and xXx: Return of Xander Cage and The Fate of the Furious and Brigsby Bear and The Foreigner and even Pottersville, the Christmas movie about Michael Shannon saving Christmas by pretending to be Bigfoot. Hell, I watched The Accountant something like a dozen times on HBO. Don’t ever let me tell you I’m too busy for anything.

But, luckily, this is the internet and if the internet exists for any one reason, it’s so people can scream out their uninformed opinions about any damn thing they like. So I’m going to do that. Below, please find my analysis of the 2018 Best Picture race. I think I nailed it.

The Shape of Water

The main things I know about this movie are as follows:

  • It was directed by Guillermo del Toro, who also directed Pacific Rim, which is a movie about monstrous hellbeasts rising up from under the ocean to try to destroy the world, with the world’s only hope being giant robots controlled by Stringer Bell from The Wire
  • It is about a woman who has relations with some sort of fishman hybrid

People say the film is lovely and is gaining steam as the favorite to take home the award, but I just want to say that if this is all leading to del Toro having a huge robot bone a huge undersea hellbeast in the Pacific Rim sequel, I am here for it. Let’s get weird as hell, I say.

Three Billboards Outside Ebbing, Missouri

This movie is great because you can develop a fully formed opinion on it without even seeing it, just by following the various takes you see online. Like I really feel I could hold my own in a conversation with someone who has seen the movie, without them ever realizing I haven’t. Sample sentences include:

“I just don’t think that’s how people talk.”

“It felt like what someone from outside America thinks America is, which makes sense considering its director.”

“Oh yeah, I loved In Bruges.”

“Even with all that said, Frances McDormand is a national treasure.”

“More like Three Bill-BOREDs, right?”

“Yeah, I love that Norm MacDonald appearance on Conan’s old show.”

“Did you ever see the cooking segment where he and Conan cook with Gordon Ramsay?”

“You haven’t? Oh man, you gotta Google that.”

And boom, I’m safely out of the conversation. Almost too easy.


Do you ever get the feeling that if you’ve seen one big sweeping WWII movie you’ve kind of seen them all? I do. I know it’s not fair to the filmmakers who pour their hearts into these movies and it’s definitely not fair to the veterans whose stories are being depicted, but yeah. I remember seeing the trailer for this and thinking “That looks pretty good,” but then I watched Saving Private Ryan again on TNT some weekend afternoon and was like “Hmm, I guess I’m covered on WWII movies for another 12-18 months.”

Also, someone please settle something for me: Is Christopher Nolan good? NBA writer extraordinaire Zach Lowe brought this up recently and I can’t get it out of my head now. I’ve seen almost all of Nolan’s movies and the only one I ever have interest in rewatching is Batman Begins. Even Dark Knight is kinda ehhh once you get past Heath Ledger’s performance. I think I could survive in a world without Memento and Inception, too. I’m willing to be swayed on this but it’s going to take a pretty strong case.

Lady Bird

Saw Lady Bird. Cried a little. Did not like Kyle.

Wonderful movie.

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