When it comes time for movie critics across the nation and internet to write about the Worst Movies of 2015, we can expect to see Paul Blart: Mall Cop 2 mentioned a lot. After all, it’s a woefully unfunny movie that relied heavily (pun semi-intended) on the same gimmicks from the first film – LOL the fat guy fell down! – while somehow managing to make a script that couldn’t have been more than 10 pages long last an hour and a half. The problem is that it doesn’t even deserve to be mentioned in the same listicle as this year’s worst movies, not because it isn’t horrible, but mainly because it’s just unfair to the rest of the competition. However, that’s a different conversation that we’ll be having soon enough.
Instead, a fun thing to do is ask yourself how Paul Blart: Mall Cop 2 could have actually been good. And you can’t just reply, “By not being made.” That’s no fun. For example, our friend Nick Proch, who previously led the charge for a Kickstarter to record beloved rock hits with an orchestra, put together this trailer that reimagines Blart’s second adventure as a dark thriller instead of a pointless comedy. The key to enjoying this trailer is imagining that wild dogs devour Blart’s corpse at the end. Just the idea of that vision is way funnier than Kevin James fighting a bird.