10 F**k Songs That Should Be On The ‘Fifty Shades Of Grey’ Soundtrack

We should have seen it coming: in an attempt to capitalize on the Great Mommy Porn Craze of 2012, EMI is releasing Fifty Shades of Grey: The Classical Album, “featuring classical music personally selected by author E. L. James and referenced in the best-selling Fifty Shades trilogy.” Who are the hot, sexy artists included on the soundtrack? Well, there’s Bodacious Bach, Debussy (more like DePUSSY, amiright?), Pachelbel and His In-My-Pants Canon, and many more. It’s available beginning August 21, but you shouldn’t buy it. Please don’t buy it, in fact. E.L. James has enough money.

But if you’re looking for a playlist of songs to soundtrack your BDSM (bondage, discipline, dominance, submission, sadism, masochism)-related activities, here are 10 to start with that should have been on the, ugh, Fifty Shades of Grey soundtrack. I’d rather be spanked with a poop-covered whip by Mickey Rourke than have to say that again.

I also saved the playlist on Spotify, which you can find here. Add more song suggestions in the comments below (and before anyone SCREAMS about it, I didn’t any include Nine Inch Nails because most of Trent’s song subvert the domination trope. But “Head Like a Hole” is fantastic.)

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Song: “Handcuff Your Hoes” by the Luniz
Applicable Lyric: “But when I’m through, you never knew I touched her/Got her screamin’ loud as hell like Chris Tucker/Handcuff your hoes.”

Song: “Pretty Tied Up” by Guns N’ Roses
Applicable Lyric: “Friday night is goin’ up inside her again/Well crack the whip ’cause that bitch is just insane.”

Song: “Venus in Furs” by the Velvet Underground
Applicable Lyric: “Kiss the boot of shiny, shiny leather, shiny leather in the dark/Tongue of thongs, the belt that does await you/Strike, dear mistress, and cure his heart.”

Song: “Torture Me” by Metric
Applicable Lyric: “If I seem too serene/Torture me.”

Song: “House of Pain” by Van Halen
Applicable Lyric: “Say you’re gonna leave me ’cause I only tie you up/I always loved you tender, but you only like it rough.”

Song: “Spank My Booty” by Lords of Acid
Applicable Lyric: “I’m a little older, addicted to the whip/When I’m chained to the wall, I feel mighty hip.”

Song: “Master and Servant” by Depeche Mode
Applicable Lyric: “Domination’s the name of the game/In bed or in life, they’re both just the same/Except in one you’re fulfilled/At the end of the day”

Song: “Leather” by Tori Amos
Applicable Lyric: “Oh God, why am I here if love isn’t forever/And it’s not the weather/Hand me my leather.”

Song: “Sex Dwarf” by Soft Cell
Applicable Lyric: “I would like you on a long black leash/I would parade you down the high street/You’ve got the attraction, you’ve got the pulling power/Walk my little doggy, walk my little sex dwarf.”

Song: “S&M Airlines” by NOFX (of course)
Applicable Lyric: “Her ass was inches from me when she told me to lick/Before I could do anything she slapped my d*ck/So I followed her commands, my aim was to please/I spent the rest of the flight on my knees.”