It’s been less than 48 hours since Taylor Swift dropped the “Bad Blood” music video (as well as all its spectacular GIFable moments) and put a crack in the Earth with her star and spectacle-laden salute to Kill Bill, sci-fi, and the cinematic stylings of Zach Snyder. Those of you who haven’t sought shelter from its awesomeness have nearly burned your eyeballs out of your head, thanks to watching and re-watching the grandeur of this uncommon parade of fashion models, songstresses, and Detective Olivia Bensons, all while trying to make sense of it. But you never realized that we would save the day by bringing order to chaos, didja? Here’s a power-ranking of all the characters in the “Bad Blood:”
19. The Trinity
Role: Handsy wardrobe assistants.
Real Identity: I thought it was an Ashanti clone, but it’s apparently True Grit star Hailee Steinfeld X3.
18. The Crimson Curse
Role: Fancy flip-doer.
Real Identity: Paramore vocalist Hayley Williams.
Role: Tae Bo instructor/fight club organizer.
Real Identity: Professional clothes wearer Karlie Kloss.
Role: Medic and jewelery maker.
Real Identity: Grey’s Anatomy star Ellen Pompeo.
Role: Makeup consultant/ninja assassin.
Real Identity: Fashion model Gigi Hadid.
Role: Interpretive nunchaku twirler.
Real Identity: Runway walker-downer Cara Delevingne.
13. Professor White Bear
Role: Cuddly friend/double agent.
Real Identity: Doctor Professor Bear, Jr.
Role: Anger Management counselor.
Real Identity: Empire actress Serayah McNeill.
Role: Arctic fight trainer.
Real Identity: Person who gets photographed Lily Aldridge.
Role: Cutter of melons, opener of wine bottles.
Real Identity: Victoria’s Secret employee Martha Hunt.
9. Cut Throat
Role: Advanced intimidation techniques.
Real Identity: Disney star turned music video merc Zendaya Coleman.
8. Welvin Da Great
Role: Man of leisure and science.
Real Identity: Rapper Kendrick Lamar.
Role: Transportation coordinator.
Real Identity: Honey star Jessica Alba.
Role: Villain/owner of Professor White Bear.
Real Identity: Musician/actress Selena Gomez-
Role: Swift Force Five leader, bionic woman, multi-disciplined fighter, public dancer.
Real Identity: You may call her T-Swift.
Role: Compound security, Ice-T platonic lifemate.
Real Identity: Supercop, actress, and Taylor Swift platonic lifemate Mariska Hargitay.
Role: House of Style caretaker, icon.
Real Identity: The Cindy Crawford.
2. Destructa X
Role: Bazooka holder.
Real Identity: Bazooka holder (also known as singer Ellie Goulding).
1. Lucky Fiori
Role: Team blogger/secret benefactor.
Real Identity: Girls star and creator Lena Dunham.