Alex Morgan Is The Olympic Hero/Internet Girlfriend That America Deserves

Senior Writer
07.26.12 13 Comments

There’s a great deal of added pressure on the U.S. women’s soccer team in this 2012 Summer Olympics, what with the men’s team apparently being contracted or something. Fortunately, stars like Abby Wambach and Hope Solo are up to the challenge, what with their whole being really talented thing going on.

However, yesterday, after a disheartening start in which the red hot French team, winners of 17 straight, got out to a quick 2-0 lead, the U.S. women showed why they’re best players for the best country in the world (f*ck you, Botswana) as they fired back to win the game 4-2. Multiple women player their parts in making this victory happen, but the game’s true star was our favorite, Alex Morgan, who was responsible for two of Team USA’s scores.

Said U.S. captain Christie Rampone, “They’re really stepping up and they’re really taking pride in wearing the USA jersey and showing American pride, more the mentality — kind of old school with a young flair. They’re doing a great job.”

Rampone says the combination of Wambach and Morgan puts this team in an elite class. She says, of Morgan, “She has embraced the fact that she’s now in the starting lineup and she plays well with Abby Wambach up top.” (Via the USA Today)

Unfortunately, not many conversations can take place regarding Morgan without mentioning her looks, because we’re a culture of perverts these days. Thankfully, we consider ourselves gentlemen at this fine website – despite what the HuffPo, Yahoo! and eventually Daily Mail when it finds a writer to copy another person’s opinion think – so I wanted to give everyone an opportunity to finally end the objectification of Morgan as the Internet’s “girlfriend” so we can simply appreciate her as a world class soccer player.

Instead of dudes and bros – like me and Vince, por ejemplo – arguing endlessly about who gets to marry Morgan, I made these wedding photos so we can all photoshop our heads on the groom’s body and send them to our parents to prove that we’re not lonely perverts.


First up, I’m a big wedding kind of guy, and while I’m not religious, I’ve always figured I’d have my wedding in a big, classic church so I can kill two birds with one stone and get the priest to do the whole “All is forgiven” routine on me.

But some people are more devout when it comes to their fake weddings, so here’s a traditional church setting.

Then again, some people just want something simple. Invite your friends over for this backyard wedding, and let people enjoy some cocktails while your buddy with a Universal Life Church ordainment conducts the ceremony.

It is summer, though, and people like destination weddings, so here’s a nice, tropical location for you to enjoy your nuptials.

(Banner via, original wedding images via Shutterstock.)

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