The Best And Worst Of Smackdown 11/15/13: John Cena’s Rubbing Off On Nikki Bella

What? Hey, I know how this SEO business works! Uh, well anyhow, welcome to this week’s Smackdown report!

Pre-show Notes:

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On we go! If the skyyyyy turns blaaaack it don’t matter…

Worst: Wait, What’s This Bulls–t?

Uh no, this isn’t the beautiful everybody I like 12-man Survivor Series match I was promised on Raw. Guys, you can’t hold off on the Survivor Series match until TLC — you have to have the Survivor Series match on Survivor Series. I shouldn’t have to tell you these things.

Worst: Hold This Wyatts/Usos Match To Your Ear And You Can Hear The Ocean

I’m usually not one to complain about the crowd sweetening on Smackdown — honestly I find it kind of soothing. WWE’s crowd noise samples are so old they just sort of sound like calming white noise. Like waves crashing on the beach. Ahhhhhhhh.

Zzzzzzzz–SNRK! Uh, hi! Let me, uh, let me just wave this thought balloon of a saw cutting a log away from over my head. Now what were we talking about again?

Right, this boring as s–t match. For some reason the majority of the match was worked by Rowan, and phew, that guy’s pretty bad isn’t he? I didn’t notice so much because he’s rarely in the ring for more than 30 seconds, but he’s like “injure you and look terrible while doing it” bad.

The match wasn’t helped by the terrible Manchester crowd either — listen, I know British fans have sort of laid claim to this year’s memorable post-Wrestlemania Raw crowd, but if you’re not really feeling the clever chants, it’s okay to just act like normal wrestling fans. Cheer when good things happen, boo when bad things happen and get unreasonably excited when a man slaps another man on the chest, just don’t sit stone quiet until you see an opening for coordinated snarking. So yeah, between the inexplicable amount of Erick Rowan and the crowd, the post-production crew pretty much exhausted their “Best Ooohs! Party Mix ’98” CD on this match.

Worst: Guess What All The Show’s Black Guys Were Doing Backstage!

No, not that. Why would you even say that? Jesus. Get out of here.

No, of course they were rapping, because WWE and black guys. Except Darren Young, who sung We Are The World, because I guess being gay makes him white (or at least Michael Jackson) in WWE’s eyes. Also, I’m pretty sure Vince McMahon thinks We Are The World was a clever British reference because he doesn’t know it and Do They Know It’s Christmas? aren’t the same song.

Best: Natalya Wins In Her Hometown!

Well, sort of. WWE’s geography book divides the world into two spheres — America and Bizarro Land, so Natalya’s on home turf even in England. Despite this she shockingly managed to beat Tamina in a rather quick and decisive manner.

So now that “tough, physical Tamina” is losing easily to WWE’s walking bathroom joke, can we just get rid of her? I’m okay with her standing around behind people looking tough, but getting out in front of them and doing wrestling moves? No thank you.

Worst: Oooo, guys! Job Evaluations Next Week!

Paging Dr. Freud — Stephanie and Vince have made the writing team write yet another storyline in which the company’s authority figures have no f–king clue what they’re doing. Hmmm! One that’s going to end with the real authority figures (Steph/Vince/Hunter) rubbing the fake authority figures noses’ in the carpet while being super cool and right about everything. The endless McMahon family group therapy session that is the WWE rolls on after the break!

Worst: Once Again, Where Were You Expecting This To Go Alberto?

It’s well established by now that Alberto Del Rio is like, the worst at plans. Like the time a couple weeks back when he tried to seduce Vickie Guerrero only to be horrified when this adult woman tried to escalate things beyond a peck on the cheek. Well, he topped himself on Smackdown by challenging John Cena to an arm wrestling contest. The dude with “guy who maybe works out on the machines once or twice a week” arms vs. John “flesh-colored Robocop” Cena in an arm strength competition.

It would’ve been one thing if Alberto immediately attacked Cena as soon as they locked up, but no, he wanted to win this thing, so of course Cena made him look like a complete turd by flash pinning him three times in a row with his left arm. When Alberto finally attacked it didn’t come off as a diabolical plan so much as, “Oh God, how do I end this shaming?”

Also, did you just YES for John Cena Manchester? That’s it, your chanting privileges are revoked England.

Best: I Can’t Wait For the Boob-Themed Five Knuckle Shuffle

A lot’s been said about the wrestling skillz Brie Bella is absorbing from Daniel Bryan via osmosis, but it looks like Nikki is doing some sponging of her own and transforming into a giant-breasted John Cena. It’s kind of hilarious/adorable. She wears dorky sneakers and ballcaps to the ring! She’s throwing in superflous “look how strong I am” spots and sorta squat-pressing Cameron. Her dropkick’s supposed to look like that guys (wait until you see her hurricanrana).

Did I think I’d find female John Cena this attractive? Nope. Do I ever want to talk about this again? Nope.

Best: Ass Pin!

That’s the look of a woman who’s just been told, “Hey, you’re winning, but also, we think your ass is big enough to be used as a finisher” backstage.

Worst: Cut Your Damn Hair Bryan

Man, watching Bryan in his new reduced role as Punk’s bearded lil’ buddy is sad. You know what would cheer Daniel Bryan segments up? A spiffy new do! If you’ve gotta hold the thing back in a ponytail all the time anyways, it’s time for a trim. They’re not shilling “Daniel Bryan Hobo Wigs” at the merch booth — as long as you don’t touch the beard, you’re fine. While we’re at it, maybe put the bowl away Punk. This has been “Styling Tips From A Guy Who Gets His Hair Cut At The Mall Twice A Year”.

Worst: Hunico’s Sweater

Oh dear — this was just too sad. Just look at that sweater. Look at it! Even Kerwin White took the sweater off when it came time to wrestle.

Worst: Replay From Hell

Is there anyone out there that actually watches Smackdown live? Well, there won’t be after this week’s show. Since I’m not insane I watch Smackdown on my computer and skip all the recaps and I was still appalled by the staggering length of this week’s Raw recap. Over 12-straight minutes of GM bickering and Randy Orton losing by count-out and Big Show in his floopy-droopy jeans. You have an entire roster of guys trained in the art of improvising fake fights — this level of shameful time filling is never necessary.

Worst: Hopefully That Box Still Isn’t Addressed To Louisville

Well, that Goldberg transformation from last week certainly didn’t stick, did it?

Both Ryback and Axel divorced themselves from Paul Heyman on Smackdown and immediately dropped down the totem pole from “jobbers to the stars that the announcers are still required to talk up” to “two bodies for use in beatdown segments”. A couple of very white Kofi Kingstons.

Of course at this point it’s no great shame because both guys have been completely and thoroughly ruined, but Jesus, these two could have been so, so much more. I mean, if you can’t make Guy That Looks Like Ryback + Goldberg Push work, then what are we all doing here? Why are we watching this booked by real-life Brad Maddoxes garbage? Also, I’m going to miss Axel’s Beastly ass. Sigh.

Has anyone updated the address on the Spirit Squad’s shipping crate? No? Still going to Louisville? Eh, maybe that’s for the best. Let us never speak of this trip to Manchester ever again.