Sports

The Best And Worst Of WWE Raw 11/4/13: Giving ‘Red Bull’ A Whole New Meaning

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Please click through for the Best And Worst Of WWE Raw for November 4, 2013. Sorry about that first page.



Best: CM Punk vs. Luke Harper, Or “Luke Harper vs. Anybody Right Now”

Here’s some Internet preconceived-notion Real Talk: if Luke Harper was 5-foot-11 he’d be the most beloved guy on the show.

As a wrestling fan on the Internet who is always trying to rage against Internet wrestling fan stereotypes, even I have to accept that some ideas about us are true. A big one is that we only like people who aren’t popular, and when they get popular we don’t like them anymore. I’m terrible about that because the attitude and character you have to have to be a “top WWE guy” and appeal to the most people watching at once really turns me off. I have a good reason, but I end up looking like a pissy nerd who can’t love Daniel Bryan as much now that casual-viewing strangers are wearing Yes shirts. Another big one is that the Internet believes large guys suck, assuming they aren’t also doing planchas. If you’re big and you don’t do a plancha you’re a “hoss,” which is code for fat and slow and bad at wrestling. I’m the super opposite of this. I think there’s a real value to a wrestler being Classic Wrestler Sized and think a wrestler who can go should be loved and appreciated no matter HOW big he is.

Luke Harper is one of the best wrestlers in WWE right now, and I get excited whenever he gets a match with someone who can keep up. Part of it is my love of watching him maul Grizzly Redwood in Chikara, but the bigger parts of it are how he’s got dozens of fresh match-ups against wrestlers who’ve been treading stale-ass f*cking water for years and how much I love watching guys die from lariats. Luke Harper will DIE YOU with a lariat.

So all that said, I thought Harper vs. Punk was fantastic. I liked Punk fighting from underneath but never seeming outmatched like he might in a fight against Lesnar, and I like that the Wyatts provided a distraction simply by the THREAT of it, rather than a bunch of Surprise Music Schoolboys. I also love the fact that Punk didn’t just trounce Harper and GTS him and make that the end of it … he “survived” Harper, using his experience and technique to counter the discus clothesline into one of the best O’Connor rolls I’ve ever seen for the flash three. Harper still looks like a beast, Punk looks smart and they’ve got a reason to fight again. Far too often guys have 5 or 6 or 7 matches in a row when the first one ended in a decisive pinfall.

Best: Punk And Bryan Being Far The Hell Away From The WWE Title Scene

The opening to Raw was like the best possible NXT segment … two of WWE’s most talented, popular stars banding together to fend off an attack from its most complex and compatible heel faction. The crowd responded, too, probably because GOOD PEOPLE WERE DOING GOOD, EASY TO ENJOY THINGS ON THE WRESTLING SHOW. Compare and contrast this with LEGAL JARGON VIDEO PACKAGES.

As I’ve mentioned before, Bryan and Punk teaming up is perfect for a Wyatt Family feud. Bryan’s the best in the ring, so he can get something good out of Rowan, something spectacular out of Harper (as we’ll get to see on Smackdown) and something desperately needed out of Bray. A top-shelf Bray Wyatt vs. Daniel Bryan barnburner is what Bray needs to justify himself as a presence on the main roster going forward, because if he doesn’t earn the respect of match quality hard-ons like myself, he’s not gonna keep his NXT good will much longer, and the “no, wait and see” will turn into “sorry.” On Punk’s side you’ve got what Bryan doesn’t have … A+ mic skills. Punk excels when he doesn’t have to read from a script, and I think he can respond intelligently and passionately to Bray’s cryptic soliloquizing with something intense and valid. If they give him a script about how Bray Wyatt is more like Gay Wyatt I’ll have to deal with it, but in my head he can do something special. Also, Punk’s voice can help flesh out the Family’s story in a way the crowd can understand, and in a way that will help Michael Cole understand that her name being Sister Abigail doesn’t mean she’s Bray Wyatt’s sister.

I’ll say basically the opposite of this later in the column, but I’m happy that Bryan and Punk are down here doing something compelling with exciting, fresh new stars instead of just doing the best they can with the Curtis Axels and Randy Ortons of the world.

Best: That’s What You Get For Trying To Eat, Hornswoggle, Or
Worst: WWE App Exclusives

Ryback plopped a cupcake on Hornswoggle’s forehead. Of COURSE I’m Besting that.

Look, here’s the deal: Hornswoggle has let himself go. He’s resigned to being whatever he’s become (read: rich) and put on a bunch of weight, and when he put on a pink shirt he looked like a little piglet. The reason I feel okay talking about this despite being the most easily-offended wrestling fan ever (apparently) is because Hornswoggle looks like ME, and I’ve been struggling with my weight and an eating disorder for almost my entire life, so occasionally I get this happy self-loathing thing watching Hornswoggle get kicked or humiliated. When JBL tossed a garbage can at him I almost died laughing. It has nothing to do with Hornswoggle as a guy or even a performer (“performer”), I just like seeing the image of how I’d LIKE to look beating up the image of how I used to look. It’s like a Charles Atlas comic straight from my brain to the television.

Two things about that:

1. I don’t actually want to look like Ryback, he just represents this impossible fitness goal that I could never reach if I ate lean chicken breast and alfalfa sprouts and styrofoam cups for the rest of my life, so he’s basically an eating disorder walking around in the mech of a man.
2. If I ever decide that a Van Dyke and hair like the TNA version of Sting is a good look, I deserve whatever bad comes to me.

Worst: Ryback Defeats Great Khali With The “Make Him Fall Down Once”

Here’s the thing about the Great Khali: he’s King Hippo. If you knock him down once, he’s gonna stay down. Watch him when he’s getting ready to throw the brain chop on Ryback. He can barely stay upright WITHOUT somebody clotheslining him. If you get a running start and just kinda jump into him he’s not fast enough to move his arms in the way to block it, and he’s not stable enough to withstand the blow. So he falls, and he’s out, and you win.

I guess the most important question is, “what are they doing with Ryback?” They’re keeping him strong, I guess, but he hasn’t gotten a decent win all year. He lost to Mark Henry at WrestleMania, he lost to John Cena via ambulance prop, he lost to CM Punk a few times (including a sub-5-minute loss last week). Yet here he is still clotheslining and pinning the biggest guy on the show. You obviously aren’t gonna give him the strap, so what’s up? What CAN you do, even? Maybe put him in a tag team? The tag division is low on heel teams, so if you don’t want 3MB to have a match EVERY WEEK maybe pair up him and Axel post-IC title run? Paul Heyman can manage a tag team. He’s good at that. Plus you can call them “Rybaxel,” which sounds like one of the Guardians of the Galaxy.


Best: Paul Heyman Calls In From A Nitro Party In Europe

This is actually a Best and a Worst.

The Best is obviously for Paul Heyman calling in from Europe where he’s seeing “specialists,” then explaining all these horrible injuries he’s received to make CM Punk’s “I hit you with this stick I always hit you with a few extra times and did my finisher” attack seem like he got tied to the railroad tracks and run over by a train. Heyman’s great at this kind of stuff, and his never-ending sadness is all the payoff most folks need for that one time he hit CM Punk with a ladder at Money in the Bank and cost him a title shot he hasn’t thought about in four months. I wish they’d brought in Stagger Lee Marshall as Heyman’s specialist and had him talk about how vertebrae fractures are often commonly found in WEASELS.

The Worst goes to the announcers for being all, “is he CRYING??” and chuckling to themselves about it. I know you don’t like him and everything, but looking at it objectively the dude had to fly to f*cking Europe to see doctors because his back is broken and his organs are bruised and he can barely move and all these injuries were caused by a dude he used to love. Can he not cry about that? If you can’t cry when your former best friend beats you up so badly you have to go to EUROPE HOSPITAL, when can you cry? Be A Star, you triumvirate piece of shit.

Best: Alberto Del Rio’s Counter To Kofi Kingston’s Convoluted Rope Counter

Kofi Kingston’s Year Of Improving Brandon’s Perception Of Him continued last night with what I thought was a really good match with Alberto Del Rio, hurt slightly by the fact that they are the two most non-white vanilla guys on the show can couldn’t sincerely pop a crowd outside of high-spots and signature taunts if someone had a gun to their head.

That’s the sad truth of it. Kofi jumps a lot and has been pretty good in the ring this year, but until he gets a personality beyond “I jump” and/or some kind of announced motivation to do ANYTHING EVER he’s not gonna be a thing. Del Rio is secretly the best in-ring guy on the show and I love most of his matches because he seems like he’s (get this) trying to win them, but without Ricardo there to provide interest and humanity he’s just a bunch of WWE scripts rolled up and formed into a Voltron. Did you hear him on color commentary? He was one of those cursing keychains but with “gringo” and “destiny” instead of “go to hell” and “kiss my butt.”

Regardless, Del Rio countering Kofi’s Christian Cage counter in the corner by simply stopping, catching Kofi’s foot, holding him in place and then DOUBLE STOMPING HIM IN THE CHEST was the best. THE BEST. I will never get tired of Del Rio stomping the mess out of guys. I might get disinterested in it, but I’ll never get tired of it.

Worst: Let’s Ask The WWE Universe What They Thought About This Match

Worst: So Are We All Clear On The Only Storyline That Matters

Remember back in July when Daniel Bryan got this crazy upswing of momentum that carried him into a title win against John Cena at Summerslam? Remember how that match ended with Triple H pedigreeing him and a couple of months of Triple H repeatedly beating him up, but the Internet called you “negative” for thinking it wasn’t gonna go anywhere and a “smark” for thinking it was gonna be like when Triple H ended the Summer of Punk by pinning Punk and sending him into midcard purgatory* (with the WWE Championship, no less) for a year? Remember how they told you to wait and see where it goes?

If so, please notice how Daniel Bryan was in about 3 minutes of this episode as CM Punk’s friend in a Wyatt Family story while Big Show and Triple H got not only the main-event slot for a BUSINESS CONVERSATION, but also got about 8 videos recapping every angle of their story and three hours of the announcers arguing with each other about it. Spoiler alert: it went where it always goes.

*If you’re gonna respond with this big thing about how Punk didn’t spend his entire 434 day championship reign post-Triple H match in the midcard purgatory, go back and wiki that shit. Remember when he beat Daniel Bryan before a Ryback squash and a Divas tag at Money in the Bank? Remember when he wrestled before A CAMACHO MATCH at Over The Limit? Remember when he defended the honor of his family and lifestyle in a WWE Championship defense against Chris Jericho at WrestleMania and it was less important than John Cena doin’ bearhugs? He only got back into the main-event when Cena got interested in him again.

Best: Over-Explainer Randy Orton Covers ‘Ravishing’ Rick Rude

Oh my God, Randy Orton interrupted Jerry Lawler to cut the ‘Ravishing’ Rick Rude and/or Sable promo was AMAZING.

The shortest version of the promo is Sable’s. “This is for all the women who want to be me, and for all the men who come to see me!” See, she’s saying that she’s hot and gives people boners or inferiority complexes. Boom, in and out. Effective. Rude’s takes that and colors it up a little with actual speaking talent, turning it into “what I’d like to have right now is for all you fat, ugly, Name Of City And Something Derogatory That Is Alliterative With Your City Name shut up while I take off my robe and show these women what a real sexy man looks like.” I’m paraphrasing, of course.

Orton’s version was true to his over-explaining tendencies. He wants each and every one of you, he wants EACH AND EVERY ONE OF YOU to look at the person next to you, be it a man or a woman. Perhaps it is a girlfriend, a wife, or even a mother! That person to whom he is referring wishes they could wake up next to Randy Orton, because he is handsome and good at wrestling! Now if you are a woman, this is reversed: perhaps that person you just looked at is a boyfriend, a husband or even a father! That person HOLY SHIT RANDY GET TO THE POINT, JUST SAY THE MEN WANT TO BE YOU AND THE WOMEN COME TO SEE YOU, SABLE FIGURED IT OUT WHY CAN’T YOU DO A SECOND DRAFT

The only way it could’ve been better is if Orton had started the promo with, “I am speaking into a microphone, which amplifies my voice.”

Best: Big E Langston Trucks The Poll

I bought an iPhone 5C earlier in the week (the yellow one, because I’m Raffi) so this was the first time I’d gotten to vote in one of those WWE Fan Active polls. Previously I had an Android phone and there were NO HELPFUL INSTRUCTIONAL VIDEOS explaining how to PRESS BUTTONS and DOWNLOAD THINGS. WHY WON’T IT LET ME VOTE I AM YELLING “WWE” INTO MY PHONE. Just kidding, I couldn’t vote on it because it was a piece of garbage.

Anyway, last night’s poll asked who should get an opportunity at WWE Champion Randy Orton: The Miz, Dolph Ziggler, or Big E Langston. Langston won in an unexpected landslide, bringing in over 70% of the vote, and my first thought was, “cool, they know who I am and my vote counts for 65%.” While I was putting together this column I was sorta forced to peruse the YouTube comments, and most people couldn’t believe that Big E would win. “It has to be rigged,” they’d say.

And while yes, I don’t believe for a second that after that time Mason Ryan won by accident WWE doesn’t work the shit out of their polls, but Big E’s win here makes sense. He’s been high-profile recently, turning face and teaming with CM Punk. He’s got a lot of babyface charisma, he’s fresh and people like to see him run at guys until they’re unconscious. His only competition were Ziggler and Miz, two guys that the crowd SHOULD like (on paper) who have been given endless opportunities that they’ve f*cked up in one way or another en route to becoming these faceless extras who show up on the stage to clap when the real wrestlers are wrestling. Right now there is no difference between Dolph Ziggler and The Miz. They might as well be the same guy.

I thought Langston’s match with Orton was fun, and I loved how much Orton gave him. I didn’t believe E was gonna pull it off, but they made me believe it was possible, and that’s something. Big E is for real, y’all. And one day in the distant, distant future he is gonna NEED FIVE~.


Best: It’s Tyson Kidd And I’m Not Watching E!

It’s color-swapped Tyson Kidd, back from surgery!

Before he left, Tyson was one of the most talented, woefully-underappreciated guys on the roster. Now that he’s back, using his wife’s finishing move to defeat a guy who looks like the Player One version of himself. I liked this a lot, thanks to some combination of Summer Rae’s hilarious shriek-distractions and Dirty Curty SELLING HIS ASS OFF for Tyson’s offense. Fandango was the Sell Star of Raw last night, which is impressive because Ziggler and Heath Slater both had matches. Watch how he sells ANYTHING. His body language is superb.

I think playing Fandango as an aloof, cartoonish character instead of as a guy with a weird hobby but also a MEAN STREAK, KING is the way to go. Fandango shouldn’t have a mean streak. He should just be a dancing asshole who is good at wrestling but can’t stop simultaneously doing the thing he’s better at. Imagine if other occupational wrestlers did that. Duke Droese’s winning his match against Doink, but gets distracted and rolls out of the ring because JR’s wastepaper basket is overflowing.

Worst: What Happened To The Dungeon Lock?

Tyson won with the Sharpshooter, which is fine, because everybody who has ever heard of Bret Hart has to use it. For the record, Nattie, Bret Hart wasn’t your dad. Your dad used a powerslam. And now that I’ve typed that I want other second generation stars to use their “uncle’s” moves. Like Bunkhouse Buck’s kid shows up and is all F*CK YOU, DAD, I’M USING TERRY FUNK’S SPINNING TOEHOLD.

What sucks is that before he left, Tyson had done a pretty good job of establishing the Dungeon Lock, a Sharpshooter variant that paid homage to the Thing All Canadians Do but made it new. If you don’t remember it, here’s a clip of him doing it to Fandango.

So why couldn’t he do it to Fandango? Natalya doesn’t have such by-proxy star power that you can’t do your own shit.

Best: A Good Match With A Great Ending, And Now John Cena Is Powerbombing Dudes

This was such a weird way to follow up last week’s epic show-opening clusterf*ck, but removed from his first two matches back, it looks like the time off might’ve done John Cena good.

In the match against Del Rio, he was his same old classic 5 Moves Of Whatever self. During the Sandow match — which I’ll again admit was great, if it existed inside of a snow globe and wasn’t prefaced with 5 minutes of Sandow feeding Cena’s arm into a woodchipper — Cena surprised us by using a half-nelson neckbreaker, something I can’t remember ever seeing him do before. Last night’s match was even better, probably thanks to the inclusion of 5 of the best and most fun wrestlers in the company, and featured ANOTHER new Cena move: a powerbomb. I couldn’t believe it, either. A guy who added exactly one move to his arsenal in the last five years (“hurricanrana”) has added two in the last week. Good for him. If he continues to accent his legitimately good wrestling ability with the kind of showy “wrestling ability” nerds love it’ll be almost impossible to objectively deride him. Even his breast cancer promo was good and understated and addressed the “you’re gonna probably boo me for saying nice things” thing without being a heavy-handed SOME A Y’ALL DON’T LIKE ME AND THAT’S AIGHT Cena thing.

Everyone else in the match was great. The best team to move onto after you’ve feuded with The Shield is Cesaro and Swagger, so I’m happy to see the Rhodes Brothers continuing their critical dominance of the show there. The finishing sprint was fun (even if Cena hurt the momentum a little by pausing forever before his Attitude Adjustment … you’ll never make it in Dragon Gate, John) and Cena’s celebration would’ve made even a bad match wonderful:

NINTENDO SIXTY-FOURRRRRRRR

(GIF via Kento)

Worst: Commentary Has Reached Critical Ass

My only problem with the match was the commentary, which might be as bad as WWE commentary has ever been. They had a really, really good match going on in front of them and didn’t pay attention until the final hot tag because they were busy mitigating some weird, sudden feud between a disinterested Alberto Del Rio and a disinterested Zeb Colter, even though Zeb and Del Rio were barely talking. Whenever Michael Cole goes into his high-pitched “explaining why you’re wrong” voice you know it’s time to mute your television.

Thankfully the WWE Fan Nation video comes in on Goldust 10-punching and skips their legitimate 10 minute hateful, shouty conversation about race and hypocrisy or whatever, so if you missed Raw, congratulations. If you want to hear what it was like, watch almost ANY video from after this match. They just yell at each other and tell each other how their stupid and wrong and Jerry Lawler occasionally pipes in with something that doesn’t help or sounds like he means it and ughhhhh it was the WORST. At some point WWE has to realize that these announcers are counter-productive to the show, and their tendency to actively damage and counteract what’s happening in the ring is enough of a reason to shitcan them and replace them with somebody who gives a f*ck about your product. It’s not about “knowing moves” or being cool or whatever … it’s about making the jobs of the wrestlers who are visibly killing themselves in the ring for our entertainment matter. That’s the entire job of a play-by-play and color commentator. The entire job. Make the matches important, whatever you mean by “important.”

I don’t think Michael Cole yelling about how his wife is Mexican makes the six-man tag better. Scott Stanford, Renee Young, William Regal and probably a dozen other people can make your show better. You’re already paying them. Let them do something important.

Best: At Least 3MB Didn’t Lose To Los Matadores Again

The Usos won a short tag team match.

(What am I supposed to write)


Worst: And Speaking Of Los Matadores…

I’ve defended El Torito a lot in the column because

1. Mascarita Dorada is a legitimately good pro wrestler, and not the star of Extreme Midget Wrestling at your local Minor League baseball park or whatever
2. I want to love Los Matadores in that sweet Chikara sort of way
3. It’s absurd and funny when Heath Slater tries to catch him in a butterfly net

Unfortunately, much like how they can’t hire a black guy without eventually making him dance like James Brown, WWE can’t hire a little person without turning them into something horrible. Now suddenly El Torito is “horny,” but you see, it’s a joke about how he has horns on his head, not about how he wants to have sex with Renee. But then he also wants to have sex with Renee. So THAT’S THE JOKE.

Vince McMahon power-walking by the writer’s room and yelling MAKE THE MIDGET HORNY and belly-laughing before power-walking his senile old ass into an open elevator shaft might SEEM important, but he’s probably already forgotten about it by the time he’s crashed into the rising elevator, so just crumple up the piece of paper with RAPEY ANIMORPH written on it and throw it in the garbage. Duke Droese will be by soon to clean it up.

Worst: SHAAAAA CURTIS AXEL HAS ARRIVED And He’s Losing Non-Title Matches Again Already

And:

Worst: The Commentary Team Is Still F*cking Up Everything

Curtis Axel’s return to Raw against Mr. Perfect’s son (you’re reading that correctly) was fine, but it was ruined by two things: the scourge of a champion losing non-title matches to guys with no momentum for no reason, and the announce team still being hung out on whatever the hell it is they’re hung up on.

Watch that video. They don’t start talking about the match until they’re about two minutes in. How sad is that? There’s no reason for them to be raising their voice about this shit. In 10 years they’re gonna look back and hate how every match on Raw was covered in this asinine garbage-yelling, sorta like how you’ll find a clip of an Ultimo Dragon match from Nitro and watch it and be desperate for some kind of context but nope, Tony Schiavone’s busy telling you that the nWo has just arrived via chartered limousine and will be entering the arena shortly. For like five minutes.

My only hope is that Axel loses a quick squash to Big E Langston on Main Event this week and the title changes, and that Ax only came back to ruin the timing of this week’s Curtis Axel Art Project.

Best: The Curtis Axel Art Project, Week 3

Last week I asked you to draw up and send in Get Well Soon cards for then-injured Intercontinental Champion Curtis Axel, and guess what? They worked! Here were your submissions:

@dangriffin598:

Rich Wisneski:

@purjanger:

@clparty:

@Darius0995:

@SeanARubio:

@seanmearns:

@markryan7:

@AgitatedJim:

@JordanTheHoff:

@Tom_Snrub:

@I_Am_ALo:

@DaveySmart:

Thanks for your submissions, everyone. We got Curt back up on his feet and losin’ matches! Well done all around.

This week, we’re gonna change it up a little. I want you to take this picture:

… and reinterpret it. Do so however you’d like. Photoshop it, draw it, paint it, cut and paste it onto a backwards baseball cap and wear it backwards with a weird brim, whatever you want. We want your most creative effort, so don’t let me (or Curt) down. Tweet it to me @MrBrandonStroud with the hashtag #CurtisAxelArtProject or post it in next week’s open discussion thread.


Best: LOL Eva Marie’s Roll-Up

I wanted to give a Worst to Brie Bella for her incessant yelling whenever she’s in the ring. When did she turn into Monica Seles? Your wrestling should be able to get people excited and a well-timed fire-up can do wonders, you don’t have to yell UHHHHH COME ONNNNN BELLAFIED WOOOOOO YEAHHHH AOUUUUUGHHHHH between dropkicks.

I say “I wanted to” because f*ck it, I’m giving a Best to Eva Marie doing exactly two things — a tag and a roll-up — and making them both look spectacularly horrible. I’m starting to love watching her wrestle in that way I love Ashley Massaro, where I cannot believe WWE let somebody get in the ring and WIN despite having the wrestling ability of … damn, I can’t think of anything worse at wrestling. I was gonna say “a child,” but I’ve seen a child put on better matches. I can’t even say something hateful like “blow up doll,” because blow-up dolls are actually really good. “They have the wrestling ability of themselves” is the worst thing I can think of.

Worst: LOL Tamina Snuka’s Splash

wait, sorry, THIS is the worst thing I can think of

Tamina goes for her Superfly Splash here and her opponent rolls out of the way, so instead of just splashing nothing she LANDS ON HER FEET and then sorta hops onto the ground. Unbelievable. Do they make her do the Superfly Splash as punishment for something?

And while I’m thinking about it, it’s pretty hilarious how the announcers react to Tamina. Listen to them. They’re all, “she’s got a BAD ATTITUDE. I wonder what her FATHER thinks of her.” For real? How does Tamina have a bad attitude? When was the last time we heard her talk? As far as I can tell she’s just a woman who shows up and does her job with a frown on her face. She’s not constantly mouthing off to her bosses like EVERYONE YOU LIKE ON THE SHOW.

Worst: And Now Our Main-Event, Storyline-Inconsistent Contract Negotiations And A Handicap Match

The worst thing that could happen in the Triple H storyline has happened: they brought back the board of directors.

It doesn’t make sense. The way it seemed to be playing out, Triple H and Stephanie had won their power struggle to control the company from Vince and were given carte blanche. They could manipulate wrestlers, determine who gets to be champion, put people in handicap matches, fire people, abuse people verbally and physically, whatever. The reason they could do this is because they were at the tippy top of the WWE Authority Figure food chain … if they weren’t, they’d fall victim to the same things that got John Laurinaitis and Vince McMahon (cough) fired by the board of directors: making things “too personal” and letting personal grudges and vendettas get in the way of the show’s success.

Now we have Triple H and Stephanie openly letting personal grudges and vendettas get in the way of their show’s success and BRAGGING ABOUT IT, and the Board of Directors is somehow still there and doesn’t care and only makes a suggestion to the evil overlords of a reliably-ruined product when they’re being sued. By a lawyer who is also their employee. Who is now nowhere to be found? WHY ARE WE SETTLING THIS WITHOUT LAWYERS? I WANT DAVID OTUNGA ON MY SHOW.

None of it makes sense. It’s a temporarily pleasing-sounding resolution to a story that makes sense if you’ve only watched tonight’s video packages. JBL’s right. No matter what happened to Show, he can’t sue his bosses for wrongful termination and discrimination if he’s spent the last month breaking into their place of business and attacking them.

Worst: Are You SERIOUSLY Not Coming Out For This, Daniel Bryan?

Big Show gets his job back and is immediately put into a 4-on-1 handicap match against The Shield and Randy Orton. He does well until an unmasked Kane shows up and starts helping them. They beat him down with steel chairs and then triple powerbomb him through the announce table. The show goes off the air with them all standing around him, taunting.

So.

Daniel Bryan, I get that you got attacked by the Wyatt Family ONCE and all, but … I don’t know, shouldn’t you be out there? The guy who helped you out SEVERAL TIMES (only hurting you by order of the people he’s fighting right now) and drove a truck into the arena to aid you in your quest for the WWE Championship is being beaten down by the guys you fought for three months and the guy you fought for three months after that. That guy who Money in the Bank’d you and screwed you out of the WWE Championship. And they’re getting help from your FORMER BEST FRIEND AND POSSIBLE BOYFRIEND who is suddenly warped and changed after being beaten up BY THE WYATT FAMILY.

WHERE THE F*CK ARE YOU

I don’t care if he left the arena, he needs to ride his shaggy ass back in in a truck and help this guy out. Ridiculous. I hate that WWE storylines have to exist in these little unrelated bubbles now, so when Bryan’s not feuding with Orton directly he can’t pay attention to anything Orton’s doing. It’s the worst.

Best: Kane Laurinaitis And His Fire Pocket Square

The best part of this, besides the return of ISAAC YANKEM ATTORNEY AT LAW, was the fact that his pocket square is red and folded up to look like fire. That’s awesome.

Note: I am going to try not to call him “Citizen Kane,” because that is everybody’s joke. Also The Hurricane ruined that joke a while back when he was calling everybody “citizen whoever,” and Kane himself ran a political blog called CITIZEN X where X = Kane was the entire joke. It’s like calling Rock “The Tooth Fairy.” It’s funny, but it’s also just appropriate more than funny.

I really like “Yes We Kane,” though. Kane as a giant, heartless corporate stooge is something I’m excited about.


Best: Top 10 Comments Of The Night

Ape Cavalry Deserter

Somewhere, a Big & Tall Men’s Casual Male manager is eating at the Olive Garden tonight.

KnoxTheFourth

♪OH, I’VE BEEN WORKING ON THE BIG SHOWWW,
ALL THE LIVE LONG DAY!♫
*chairshot*, *chairshot*, *chairshot*

John John The Bastard

Kane for Comptroller.

PhilBallins

“Is that,… is that? By god it’s the devil’s favorite delegate GLEN JACOBS!”

Big_Heat_34

“I AM THE ONE WHO KNOCKS… OUT PEOPLE WITH MY FIST.” – Paul-ter Wight

RobertPalmerAlert

Mayyybe Cole should be careful about saying “shades of her daddy” while Tamina manhandles a smaller female…

hobbitcore

I hope that Goldust does the Final Cut off the top rope and they call it Final Cut Pro

Thrillhouse

AND WITH YOUR PURCHASES, THE SUSAN G KOMEN FOUNDATION HAS DONATED…$137 TOWARD CANCER RESEARCH! THE FUNDS ARE HEEEYAHHH!!! :) OO DOO DOO DOOOO:

TheRealMSol

“if you like your John Cena-free WWE, you can keep your John Cena-free WWE.” – President Obama, several times in August, September, October, and, incredibly and inexplicably enough, once in November.

NotACrook

“Hey, remember the last six months of TV where Natalya was dating Great Khali? Forget about that, and meet her husband!”

Thanks for reading, everybody. See you at the pay-per-view this weekend.

Wait, that’s not this weekend? What company am I watching?

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