Channing Tatum Is The Reason That The Pittsburgh Steelers Lost Yesterday

Even with Ben Roethlisberger back from injury, the Pittsburgh Steelers were no match for the San Diego Chargers yesterday, what with their “Holy crap, we should play better so we aren’t all fired or traded” realization and effort. The Chargers defeated the Steelers 34-24 in a game that was much worse than the score indicates, with Philip Rivers tossing three touchdowns and upping his trade value to the Arizona Cardinals this offseason.

So what do the Steelers owe this loss to? Some may say that their secondary is just so beat up right now and that’s why Danario Alexander torched them for two touchdowns. Others might say it’s the lack of a true ground game that forced the Steelers offense from the field so quickly early in the game. But I know the real reason, and his name is Channing Tatum.

Our boy C-Tates was on hand at Heinz Field yesterday to lead the Steeler faithful in the Terrible Towel Twirl, and he looked fantastic doing it in a Detroit Tigers hat. But even more important than Mr. Sports Bandwagon hurting the Steelers’ already diminished playoff chances is his revelation that something sinister is brewing in the Steel City…

“Pulling up to the stadium and watching all of the black and gold flooding toward the epicenter of what is happening today is crazy. I have been in the city for two months and I have never seen a city that flies the colors of their city like they do here. Their black and gold is our red, white and blue.” (Via)

That’s right, Pittsburgh is seceding from the union, and C-Tates not only did nothing to stop these anti-American football fans, but he also encouraged them by waving their rally flag and promoting their propaganda. President Obama, I beg you arrest Mr. Tatum and see that he stops spreading his wicked communist ideology before he puts more cities and innocent Americans in danger.

(Disclaimer: Channing Tatum does not actually support a communist agenda, nor does the city of Pittsburgh have any secession agenda. I may have simply written this because Tatum’s restaurant wasn’t open when I visited New Orleans recently, thus ruining my dream of ordering “potatum skins” from a waitress, who would undoubtedly be laughing hysterically before introducing me to Tatum so we could become best friends.)