A Very Thorough And Painfully Scientific Review Of The Taco Bell Breakfast Menu

If you’re reading this, there’s a chance that I may have already moved on to the big border in the sky. You see, earlier this morning I decided to visit my local Taco Bell (store 3996, represent!) and try all of the new items on the highly-anticipated and ridiculously-hyped breakfast menu. I say that well aware of the fact that this menu has been mostly-anticipated and mostly-hyped by me, myself and I, and Taco Bell never even bothered to give me a Breakfast Phone for my efforts. I want people to always remember that when they question my ethics as a guy who writes random crap on the Internet.

Much to my surprise, on just the second day of Taco Bell’s nationwide breakfast menu, I was the only car in the drive-thru. That was remarkable to me, because I’d have assumed that there’d be a line out into the street, causing my fellow Florida drivers to start shooting at each other like the freeway scene in L.A. Story. Alas, the store manager – a very nice gentleman if Taco Bell President Brian Niccol is reading this, and I’m sure he is – informed me that I’d just missed the morning breakfast rush. I could tell by the exhausted look in his eyes and the sweat on his brow that he’d been living a nightmare for two consecutive mornings. I’m sure me ordering the entire f*cking menu didn’t help either.

As you can see above, I ordered one of everything. For accuracy, my entire order consisted of:

1 AM Crunchwrap with sausage
1 Waffle Taco with bacon
1 Sausage taco
1 Bacon and egg burrito
1 Cinnabon Delight 4-pack
1 Large Mountain Dew Black Cherry Freeze
1 Medium Pepsi

The grand total on that, once you take into account that the Pepsi was an “Oops” pour and therefore free, was $11.66. As always, if Taco Bell is good for anything, it’s feeding a family of 6,000 for less than $20. I did not need all of this food, and I could have eaten and enjoyed a filling but not nauseating breakfast for less than $3, but science demanded that I try every last bite of this, because as I stated yesterday, this is my A Bridge Too Far. This was my Hackman and Caine in the same movie. THIS IS MY THESIS, MAN!!!

You might be asking your monitor, “Why, Burnsy? Why did you do this to yourself?” Look, I’m not a “foodie.” I think that’s a stupid, made-up word to make people sound cooler when they tell their friends that they like to try new restaurants and brag about the weird ingredients. I am, however, a huge breakfast food enthusiast. One of the happiest moments of my entire week is when I cook my huge Saturday morning breakfast. Does that sound sad? It shouldn’t, because I make a killer breakfast. But I also understand the breakfast-lover on the go, which is why I’ve been so enthusiastic about a new morning option for the blue collar drive-thru warriors. I’ve done this so you’ll know before you even leave the house in the morning.

Let’s dig in, shall we?

The Beverages

As stated, I ordered the Black Cherry Mountain Dew Freeze, because cherries have vitamins in them, right? The Pepsi was thrown in for free, but I figured all of that sugar alone would kill me, so I gave it to a homeless man at a red light. The look in his eyes as he coughed and walked away really meant something, you guys. As for the Dew Freeze, it gave me brain freeze at least six times, and at one point I started crying from the pain. Other than that, it was delicious.

We Begin with the Burrito

The bacon and egg breakfast burrito was as simple as it should have been. It went down in about three bites, because it was small and convenient, and it tasted about as good as you’d expect from eggs, bacon and a tortilla. My only complaint about this was that there was too much tortilla. In fact, this is what I didn’t finish:

I mean, I gotta watch the carbs, right fellow health enthusiasts? In the future, I’ll definitely consider adding some of Taco Bell’s delicious Fire Sauce into the equation. In a perfect world, Taco Bell would have this available with a Volcano Sauce option, but for some reason they continue to dodge the question. ANSWER MY TWEETS, YOU HEARTLESS CORPORATE FAT CATS!

The Sadness that is the Breakfast Taco

A lot of people think that I’m just this mindless shill for Taco Bell, and I have to constantly tell my cardiologist that he’s wrong. Yes, I love Taco Bell as my guiltiest food pleasure in the world – and yes, I also have a legit Mexican restaurant that I eat at 10 times as much as I do Taco Bell, so save your breath – but even I can admit when something is awful. The breakfast taco with sausage that I had this morning was pretty damn awful. It was like a sausage patty that had been glued to a tortilla. I think there might have been cheese on it, but it was so uninspired and flavorless that I couldn’t even proceed. *polishes monocle, blames fart on dog*

Don’t worry, I didn’t waste it. I gave the remainder of the taco to some neighborhood kids to use as a Frisbee.

If There Was a Louvre Just for Breakfast Foods…

The AM Crunch Wrap is a gosh-danged masterpiece, you guys. I didn’t know what was in any of this before I ate it – like most Mexican food, I assumed everything had the same three ingredients – but the AM Crunch Wrap, while looking nothing like the picture on the drive-thru sign, was packed with flavor. It was like Guy Fieri kicked me in the nuts and French-kissed my mom, but awesome instead of horrifying. Here’s a look inside of this flat sack of delicious:

I don’t know if you can tell or not, but that’s a hash brown wedge in the middle, with a sausage patty on top and cheese and eggs all around it. But what you don’t know from looking at this admittedly sad picture is that there’s Mild Sauce in there, fam. QUE CALIENTE! In fact, I’m going to go ahead and give the AM Crunch Wrap my highest honor as a bro who likes to eat, “The ‘Merican”:

And Now, What You’ve All Been Waiting For

Now, I know what you’re thinking: “That bacon Waffle Taco looks kind of gross, bro.” I know, when I first opened it, I was a little underwhelmed, too, but look what happens when you pour the small container of syrup on it…

OOH LA LA, is that a Waffle Taco or a lobster stuffed with tacos? While the Waffle Taco did have sort of a wet sponge texture to it at some points, it was still everything that I had hoped for. After all, in all my years on this planet, I’d never thought to take a waffle, cover it with eggs and bacon, and then fold it like a taco. Thank you, Taco Bell, for finally helping me fulfill that sad, cholesterol-raising wish of mine. And just like any good taco, there were plenty of pieces left in the box to pick out while I cried, thinking about what I had just done.

What’s a Feast Without Some Dessert?

Taco Bell also offers the Cinnabon Delight balls of sugar and cream as a breakfast item, because nothing says “Productive American workforce” like a mid-morning sugar crash. Yes, the one ball I had was delicious, and sure, I put the other three in my fridge for later in the day, in case something actually makes me happy and I need to painfully remind myself about the horrible cement ball mixing in my bowels. So I wouldn’t recommend the Cinnabon treats to anyone, unless they’re willing to go to the gym right after and/or do not have a family history of diabetes.

The Million Dollar Question

“Burnsy, did you vomit?” Almost, you guys. Almost.

The Rock Solid Burnsy Overall Recommendation

If you want a quick bite for the ride to work, the burrito is about as great as you’ll find. If you want a slightly longer bite, the AM Crunch Wrap is one of the most delicious breakfast treats that you’ll ever find on this planet for $2.49. I think the Waffle Taco is fine as a novelty to enjoy every now and then, but I wouldn’t make it a daily routine. Some might argue not to make any of this a daily routine, but I wasn’t aware we had so many doctors reading this. I don’t recommend the breakfast taco unless some radical changes are made, and the Cinnabon Delights are better off being bundled up and dropped into the deepest point in the ocean.

In conclusion, no one on this planet should ever eat all of these items at one time, but I commend Taco Bell for a fine introduction to the morning breakfast routine. NOW BRING BACK VOLCANO SAUCE YOU HEARTLESS MONSTERS!

Final Grade: B+