Mets legend Darryl Strawberry celebrated his 53rd birthday recently. We’re also edging closer and closer to the start of the MLB season. Combine all that together with the recent LEGO Kwik-E-Mart reveal and we started to think back to the great “Homer At Bat” episode of The Simpsons.
Strawberry was the only member of Mr. Burns’ softball team of MLB superstars not to suffer a grave misfortune that kept him from the championship game (the same could not be said for reality). His teammates weren’t so lucky. With that in mind, let’s look at every misfortune in “Homer At The Bat,” and rank which was the most severe.
8. Jose Canseco Is Stuck Saving Literally Everything From A Burning House
This doesn’t seem so bad. Eventually, every item in the house will have been saved, and Canseco can go on with his life. Of course, when you think of everything that happened to him after this episode, that might not be such a good thing.
7. Don Mattingly Is Kicked Off The Team For Not Cutting His Invisible Sideburns
Again, this one doesn’t seem so severe. Mattingly can just go back to the Yankees and everything’s fine. On the other hand, he still likes Burns better than Steinbrenner, which I don’t think anyone would disagree.
6. Roger Clemens Thinks He’s A Chicken
Would it be so bad to think you’re a chicken? It actually seems kind of fun. A nice little escape from the drudges of normal human life. And if he gets tired of it, he could probably just see another hypnotist and get it reversed, right?
5. Ozzie Smith Drifts Endlessly Through The Void
Okay, this one is a bit tricky. On one hand, Ozzie Smith’s misfortune would seem fairly painless, but on the other hand, there’s no food in the universe that he’s drifting through, so he’s almost certainly going to starve to death after a week or so. Oh well, at least he’ll get to see some cool colors.
4. Wade Boggs Is Knocked Out By Barney
This was the hardest one to rank for one reason: I’m not sure if Boggs died or not. If he just passed out on the floor, and woke up several hours later in a daze, this one isn’t that bad. But if Barney has the strength of Choo-Choo from Justified and he killed Boggs with one punch, you can feel free to move this one up a few spots.
3. Ken Griffey, Jr. Overdoses On Nerve Tonic
Yeah, this one seems pretty bad. Griffey’s career would certainly be ended by the nerve tonic overdose, and as with Boggs I’m not sure it would prove to be fatal. Of course, if you’re a Cincinnati Reds fan and this played out in real life, you would have been spared a lot of disappointment.
2. Steve Sax Is Held Against His Will By The Springfield Police Department
Lou and Eddie sure were vicious in this episode, huh? Steve Sax is taken to prison and blamed for several murders despite doing nothing wrong. If no one steps in, he might face life in prison. I’d like to think Chief Wiggum would be the cooler head and let him go, but knowing how stupid he can be, than seems rather unlikely.
1. Mike Scioscia Suffers From Radiation Poisoning
I’m counting this one as the worst misfortune for two reasons:
A. I’m almost certain his radiation poisoning proved to be fatal.
B. He appears to be in the most physical pain of anyone. At least Wade Boggs was unconscious in a matter of seconds. Scioscia is in constant agony,
This was a clear example of why Springfield Nuclear Power Plant is a massive health hazard, and it’s also the most severe misfortune suffered by any baseball player in “Homer At the Bat.”