Florida Man Has An Itch Only A High School Cheerleader Can Scratch

Senior Writer
12.31.10 7 Comments

That looker to the right is 50-year old Rafael Escamilla, a Florida resident who was recently on his way to Lewiston, Idaho to visit family, when he took a slight detour to jail. Escamilla was seated next to a 17-year old female high school cheerleader on his flight and she has accused him of masturbating next to her. Escamilla, however, denies the ludicrous charge, as he simply explained to authorities that he spilled Tobasco sauce in his lap and he was massaging and scratching his genitals because of the pain. Responded every other accused pervert on Earth, “Oh that’s a good one, bro.”

The girl reported that Escamilla whipped it out under his seatback tray and used one hand for his laptop computer and his other hand for his… itching. She then moved her seat and told another passenger that the guy sitting next to her had her “creeped” out. The passenger responded by masturbating, too. OK, not really, but wouldn’t that make an awesome “Twilight Zone” episode?

A little lower, Smoking Gun… no lower… LOWER… yeah, that’s the spot…

During further questioning, Escamilla changed his Tabasco story, claiming that it “might” be from his breakfast that morning “as he did have Tabasco sauce with his eggs.” Asked why he did not just go to the bathroom to “take care of this problem,” Escamilla told Reese that he “didn’t feel that it would help.”

Reese noted that Escamilla used the words “rub” and “massage” to describe how he addressed the “incredible itch.” The cop reported that, “while I was speaking with [Escamilla], he never showed any obvious signs that he had an itch in this particular part of his body.”

Dude, Pervert Handbook Rule Numero Uno – Don’t EVER change your story. What an amateur. Then again, that’s what you get from Florida. We’re a lower class of perv down here in the Sunshine State. It’s really embarrassing at times, but then again it makes me look like an all-star whenever I bust out the popcorn trick. Sure I usually do it when I’m in church, but I’m an opportunist.

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