Vintage Promos is a series looking back at the best, worst and most memorable pro wrestling interviews of all time. It previously appeared on AOL FanHouse.
With Leather readers have been sharing the same two stories with me non-stop since Monday morning:
1. The guy on Reddit who has been leaking WWE results for the past six months
2. Former WWE star Gene Snitsky’s new job as security guard for Alex Rodriguez
As far as number one goes, it’s not a big deal. WWE spoils about 75% of their TV programming every week by taping shows in advance. If a guy is trying to “bring down the system from the inside” or whatever by telling Redditors that Randy Orton’s gonna win a ladder match, more power to him, but I’m not interested. The show’s fake enough and easy enough to predict already, I don’t need somebody to hold my hand.
Number two is pretty awesome, though. I wasn’t writing the Raw column when Snitsky was around, but when he first showed up he was MY FAVORITE. This is long before they shaved his head and gave him yellow teeth. If you don’t remember him, here’s the most succinct explanation of who he was and why he existed: Kane kidnapped Lita, using “violence against her boyfriend” as an explanation for raping, impregnating and forcing her to marry him. On a random episode of Raw, Kane was wrestling a new jobber named “Gene Snitsky.” Lita got knocked down during the match, and in the WWE Universe a pregnant woman who falls down once instantly miscarries the baby. Snitsky claimed the accident wasn’t his fault. “It’s not my fault” became his catchphrase. Eventually Snitsky revealed that he HATES BABIES and wants them to always be dying.
Meanwhile, in real life, Lita had gone from “Matt Hardy’s xtreme girlfriend” to “horrible tramp who cheated on Matt Hardy with his Edge” in the minds of fans, so WWE had Lita turn on the guy who’d kidnapped, raped, impregnated and force-married her to be Edge’s girlfriend. This made Kane the good guy. It also turned Snitsky from “jobber who accidentally caused an abortion and hates babies” to “guy who hates babies so much it is hilarious,” and a friend of Lita. I don’t know, these shows are written by and for CHUDs.
This is where we join the career trajectory of Gene Snitsky, on the night of Edge and Lita’s wedding. See, Edge and Lita wanted to get married, but only to spite Kane, because … uh, THEY were jerks? Anyway, to further rub it in Kane’s face, they brought out the man who’d murdered Kane’s child to read a poem.
That poem is legend.
Snitsky's Wedding Poem by PrivateBiscuit01
Yes, he rhymed “do to us” with “dead baby in your uterus” and Lita was TOTALLY FINE WITH IT.
In WWE history, Snitsky’s poem ranks just ahead of the Big Boss Man’s “with tears that are soaked” poem about Big Show’s dad dying on the list of the most inappropriately funny, morbid things WWE has ever done. I’m not sure how good Snitsky will be at protecting Alex Rodriguez, but at least A-Rod won’t have to worry about any pregnancy scares.
In the interest of Never Forgetting, Snitsky’s original run also included the interaction with Heidenreich, the most awesome, sexually-concerning WWE character interaction ever.