Great Spring Break Moments Revisited: Grandma’s Airplane Beer Bong Adventure

Senior Writer
04.16.13 3 Comments

Related in context, but still my favorite picture ever taken.

The best part about just f*cking around and starting this Spring Break series to entertain my own ridiculous thoughts, and a few other people, is that people have been sending me videos, with each one being better than the next. This week’s installment asks the important question – who says Spring Break is only for kids?

Mable was excited to be flying to Orlando to see her family for a week at Disney’s Magic Kingdom, because ever since she lost her beloved Herb, she’d been pretty bored at the senior living community in Boca Raton. To be clear, Herb didn’t die, she just lost him at a Wal-Mart, and after several hours she just gave up. Besides, there are plenty of single men at Fogey Pines, and if she could deal with Herb’s gonorrhea, then she could deal with anything. And hell, maybe she’d even meet a man when her family eventually leaves her behind at the Tea Cups.

First thing’s first, though, Mable had to get on a plane, and boy did she hate flying.

It’s not because she’s worried about crashing or anything like that. It’s because she doesn’t like being around no-good youngsters, and this plane was filled to the brim with some snot-nosed punks, with their rock n roll hip hoppy music and baggy jeans. In fact, Mable was certain that her neighbor Gladys’ grandson had stolen her favorite ficus plant when he was serving his community service at the rec center last October. “The only thing they’re good for,” she thought, “is selling them prescription meds for extra bingo cash.”

Since Mable flies alone with her Southwest Senior Saver discount, she gets to board first and sit up front, in case she needs to ask that “sexually-confused gentleman steward” for an extra blanket or three. But damned if she didn’t overhear one of those lousy punk teens mention that he had a bong in his carry-on. Mable was familiar with bongs only because she used to wait tables at a disco club in Miami in the late 70s and some of the Cuban men used to use them while they pinched her ass. Oh, how she longed for those days, but no one could ever know about her and Alfonso’s secret lust.

As the stewardess warned everyone to be seated, Mable asked herself is she should say something about the presence of a terrible drug device. “But what if they beat me and force me to listen to rap music,” she wondered. Before long, though, the plane was in the air. The teens were loud and scaring Mable, who was gripping her armrest like her hands were covered in Fixodent, which was only partially true.

Finally, she cracked. “Stewardess,” she whispered at the male flight attendant. “Those boys back there… they have a bong. You know, for the marijuana.” Undaunted, Thad marched to the back of the plane, where the group of boys was seated and he shouted, “Excuse me! I have been informed that you may have a bong in your presence.”

“Chill fly bro,” said Carter, a 19-year old second-year freshman from Iowa State, on his way to Port Lucaya. “It’s a beer bong! For bonging the beers, bro!” He high-fived Tater and French before Mable interjected, “Don’t you flash your gang signs, young man. I know what a bong is. I dated a black man once. When we land, I’m going to have you deported.”

“Whoa, old babe,” responded Skeeter from under his Beat by Dre headphones. “Don’t knock the bizzybee before you try it.” Then, Mable’s worst fear became a reality. They were chanting one of their wicked teenage spells at her. “CHUG, CHUG, CHUG,” they repeated until she found the small end of the beer bong in her hand. “Oh no,” she thought. “They’ve enchanted me!” As Cooter poured an airplane can of Rolling Rock into the funnel, she thought, “There’s no turning back, after this they’ll probably have their way with me.”

Mable downed the entire beer, and within an instant her entire perception was radically changed. “SPRING BREAK!” she shouted. The boys all erupted in cheers with her until they all realized that she actually meant that the spring in her metal hip joint had broken.

Where Are They Now: Mable actually ended up going to the Bahamas with the boys, and she experienced a torrid sexual reawakening with Tater, who ended up lavaliering his new love in front of a Caribbean sunset. Miraculously, she’s pregnant with twins.

(H/T to Bro Bible)

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