06.20.08 10 years ago 18 Comments

It's a momentous day for the American justice system, as a judge has ruled in a court of law that Duke officially sucks.

Duke and the University of Louisville had a four-game football contract that, after only one game between the two teams, the Blue Devils quickly backed out of.  Louisville, not wanting to lose such a delicious creampuff from their schedule, sued for $450,000, as the contract stipulated a $150K fine for every game not played if "a date with a 'team of similar stature' could not be arranged."

Duke’s lawyers argued the Blue Devils, which have a record of 6-45 over the past five seasons, were so bad that any team would be a suitable replacement.

Judge Shepherd agreed in his summary: At oral argument, Duke (with a candor perhaps more attributable to good legal strategy than to institutional modesty) persuasively asserted that this is a threshold that could not be any lower. Duke’s argument on this point cannot be reasonably disputed by Louisville.” […]

According to Shepherd, finding a suitable replacement literally meant any NCAA Division I team would suffice – including those in the Football Championship Subdivision (formerly known as Division I-AA.)

Judge Shepherd also added, "It is with great regret that I find in favor of these total douchebags." 

[The Wizard of Odds

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