Here’s The Worst Hooters Robbery In History

If there’s one thing that I have little tolerance for, it’s crime. But the easiest way to push me into full on vigilante mode is to commit a criminal act against a “breastaurant”, and that’s exactly what two bros did in the wee hours of Tuesday morning last week in San Diego. Fortunately, the Hooters on Bernardo Drive in San Diego was closed and empty when two men “in their late teens or 20s” shattered the glass of the store’s front door and attempted to pull off one of the stupidest robberies you’ll ever hear of.

The driver tried to back the truck into the business, but the door opening was too narrow, Brown said. The other suspect then got a tow strap from the truck’s bed and wrapped it around the free-standing five-foot-tall juke box with the restaurant’s logo in the restaurant’s lobby, Brown said.

That suspect pushed the machine toward the doors and the driver helped get it into the truck before they drove off, Brown said. (Via ABC 10 News)

Wait, they stole the jukebox from a Hooters? Don’t they know they could have saved a lot of time and effort by just illegally downloading every Nickelback album? Actually, it turns out they’re just complete idiots.

Investigators believed the suspects mistook the jukebox for an ATM, Brown said.

Normally, this is where I’d make a joke about how stupid American criminals are, maybe by comparing them to Chinese criminals or something topical like that. Or maybe I’d get lost in my own thoughts, trying to imagine just how wonderful a Hooters in San Diego must be, like if Heaven had a Playboy mansion that served Totino’s Pizza Rolls and Volcano tacos 24/7.

But then I made the mistake of breaking Burnsy’s Rule Numero Uno: Never read the damn comments on an online news article.

“Guess it never occurred that somebody just maybe might have offered them a lot of $$$ for the jukebox, eh? No alarms, no wires to cut, no need to bust it open hoping it’s pretty full — a jukebox collector offered them 5K to wheel it out and drive away? Too simple, apparently.”

There you have it, concerned citizens of Rancho Bernardo – be on the lookout for two males in their early 20s in an old Dodge pickup truck, as well as any evil geniuses who may be collecting Hooters jukeboxes. It’s so diabolical, yet so simple.