Sorry ladies, but Jared Allen is off the market. The 6-foot-6 Minnesota Vikings defensive end recently married the luckiest woman on the planet (totally a hetero man crush, I promise) and the newlyweds spent some time in Italy for their honeymoon. Allen spilled the beans about his exploits to Dan Patrick and it’s as awesome as you would expect it to be. Mainly because it didn’t feature one mention of Brett Favre. Just kidding.
Allen talked about everything from his wedding song to Favre declining to attend his wedding (*cough* d*ckhead *cough*) but the best details regarded his poolside attire while lounging with his wife in the Amalfi Coast of Italy. He claims he wore his Vikings jersey, except with some modifications – basically, he made it into a cutoff. And he wore a Speedo.
Time for some manscaping, Sports Illustrated:
DP: Did you wear a Speedo?
JA: I dominated a Speedo over there. I figure, when in Rome, right? It kind of applies. When in Europe, when in Rome.
DP: It’s OK to wear a Speedo in Europe for some reason, but it’s not OK when Europeans come to the United States and wear a Speedo.
JA: It’s really funny. Me and my wife were laughing about it. Everybody over there was so friendly. We met some people that we’ll stay great friends with forever now. They took us in and cooked us dinner. It was phenomenal. But I was laughing because if someone came over to the United States that didn’t really speak our language, we’re never going to invite them over to our house for dinner.
Patrick also asked the three-time Pro Bowler if he could take Chuck Lidell or Brock Lesnar in a fight. Of course, he said no and was very polite about it, but let’s be real. We’re talking about a guy who wears the No. 69 and clearly chose it on purpose. Allen’s the kind of guy who farts in a bottle and makes his teammates smell it. He’s the kind of guy who puts his penis on his wrist and asks people if they know what time it is. I guess what I’m trying to say is he’s awesome.