09.26.09 8 years ago 6 Comments

Ah yes, the perfect storm for a sports blogger: an incredibly attractive female athlete paired with an ESPN personality made to look like a moron.

For some reason or another, Jay Crawford of ESPN’s First Take agreed to step in the batter’s box and face all-world softball player Jennie Finch. Of course, hilarity ensued.

He fouled off an early swing, whiffed on a bunt attempt and managed one infield grounder. Crawford claimed he would have beaten it out with his Usain Bolt speed. Finch scoffed at the suggestion — not sure if it was in regard to the Bolt speed or beating it out.

Crawford, who went to Bowling Green, supposedly pitched some minor league ball with an independent club in 2005. And he did take mighty cuts at the plate. In slow-pitch softball terms, it looks as if he could launch a bomb or two. In fast-pitch terms, there’s a huge hole in his swing. Or Jennie Finch is really good. via.

Hole in his swing? Huh. That hole will go well with the hole between his legs. By “hole between his legs,” I mean he has female genitalia. Get it?

Delightfully emasculating video follows.

This guy is from First take? More like Second or Third Take, amirite? Crawford’s co-host Dana Jacobson would have definitely fared better against Finch. Why? Because she doesn’t have a hole in her swing or a hole between her legs. What I mean by she doesn’t have a hole between her legs is that she has a penis.

Come to think of it, Crawford and Jacobson should just get it over with and exchange sex organs. I’m sure their ESPN health care plan would cover it. tWWL has already approved the procedure once before a couple of years ago and look how well it turned out for Pam Ward and Matthew Berry.

To be fair to Crawford, I certainly don’t mean to imply that I would have had any more success than he did if I had gone up against Miss Finch – I just would have avoided the situation entirely. First of all, there’s no way she manages to figure the way out of my basement. Well, it’s more of a dungeon, really. It came fully loaded with all the whips, chains and harnesses when I bought the house. Got the place dirt cheap, too. I guess dominatrices wanted by police for suspicion of murder can be motivated sellers. Thanks, Grandma!

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