Jose Canseco Has Been Banned For PEDs

Senior Writer

Sorry, folks, but we did not travel back in time to get that headline. It was announced yesterday that 47-year old hug machine Jose Canseco will not be allowed to play in the Mexican Baseball League after he tested positive for testosterone, according to league president Plinio Escalante, which is amazingly also my handle on Call of Duty. Canseco, of course, is outraged by this announcement, because, as he’s made very clear on his Twitter feed over the past year or so, he does not take performance-enhancing drugs anymore.

Sure, back in the day he took enough steroids to kill an army of centaurs, but these days Canseco devotes his time to trying to convince us – and more importantly any MLB general manager that is either desperate or high – that PEDs don’t help baseball players, and only natural skills allow players like Canseco, Barry Bonds, Mark McGwire and Sammy Sosa to sock 60 dingers a year.

Also, Canseco Tweeted, he never even took a piss test in the first place for the Mexican league, so how the hell could he have tested positive? Cue the Mexican soap opera suspense music!

Too bad it’s not a conspiracy and Canseco refused a drug test and admitted that he does, in fact, take testosterone because steroid use has left his plums looking like raisins.

But Canseco is still going strong about a conspiracy against him, and I think that this should actually open a new door for him.

A lot of us bloggers have a great deal of fun at Canseco’s expense, writing about his Tweets and how we’re witnessing a once-iconic Major Leaguer melting down before our eyes. But with that Tweet, I think we really need to explore the possibilities of the acting career that he once dreamed of, because if you don’t think that a film about Canseco on the run from a mysterious, powerful Mexican figure is a great idea, then you need to go back to your Seltzer/Friedberg movies and figure skating.

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