I’m a little late to the Fantasy Football recap this week because it’s the height of horrible trade offer season, when my typically solid and consistent teams start attracting hilariously bad offers from my so-called friends, who continue to wipe their b-holes with my intelligence. For example, just this morning, someone offered me David Wilson for Stevan Ridley. Sure, I’ve been trying desperately to give Ridley away to anyone with the patience that I simply don’t have for his worthless ass (in fantasy, not as a human), but for a guy who was already terrible before suffering a multi-week injury?
I’m sure I’m not the only one who deals with such offers (I consider myself the Fox News of fantasy trades, in that I’m fair and balanced and usually surrounded by shallow blondes) so feel free to unleash your own atrocious offers on us. In the meantime, let’s get to bebopping and skatting all over the guys who sucked in fantasy football this week.
You Probably Lost This Week If You Played Against: Tony Romo and his 59(ish) points
I played against Romo in one league this week and didn’t lose. I felt like f*cking Superman after that, like my opponent was firing bullets at me and I was just like, “PEW! PING! BANG! BEENG! BONG!” I’m awesome at writing out sound effects.
The QBs That Broke Our Hearts This Week: Tom Brady, Cam Newton, Alex Smith, Andy Dalton, Carson Palmer, Michael Vick, Colin Kaepernick, Matt Stafford, Aaron Rodgers
If I’m a Brady owner right now, I’d probably be freaking out and punching shit, looking at the waivers and asking myself if it’d be worth it to start Chad Henne this week against the Broncos, since he’ll be throwing the entire time. But I think Brady’s going to be fine with all of his receivers and Rob Gronkowski finally healthy. Hell, it might even be good for Ridley.
The guy I’d be trying to flush down the toilet by stepping on his head and bashing his face in with a plunger is Cam Newton. Well, unless he can somehow play the Giants each week, in which case he’s ELITE.
The RBs That Broke Our Hearts This Week: Trent Richardson, Gio Bernard, Darren Sproles, DeAngelo Williams, Maurice Jones-Drew, Eddie Lacy, Reggie Bush, David Wilson, Arian Foster, Matt Forte
This wasn’t really a terrible week for RBs and it certainly wasn’t a good one either. I mean, Pierre Thomas was probably your league’s highest-scoring RB and there’s a good chance that he’s available on waivers. Hell, Jamaal Charles and LeSean McCoy were probably two of the biggest disappointments and they both posted more than 10 points, so it was an average week.
That said, I’ll instead use this as the opportunity to bury the seasons of Maurice Jones-Drew and David Wilson once and for all. By the time Wilson is healthy, the Giants will probably have one or two wins and Andre Brown will be back. Wilson could very well come back and be great next season, but chances are his horrible, horrible season is over. MJD, on the other hand, should have been traded last week and he should be traded this week and next week. Until that happens, though, he’s practically worthless. I wouldn’t start him over Zac Stacy right now.
The WRs That Broke Our Hearts This Week: Kenny Britt, Eddie Royal, Marques Colston, Kenbrell Thompkins, Julian Edelman, Nate Washington, Dwayne Bowe, Larry Fitzgerald, Danny Amendola, Roddy White, Victor Cruz, Demaryius Thomas, AJ Green, Randall Cobb, Reggie Wayne, Brandon Marshall
Oh, and of course there’s Julio Jones. I’m a recovering Julio Jones owner, are you? It’s going to be okay, friends. We’ll get through this together. It’ll take some work, but we’ll recover from this injury and hopefully he will, too.
Meanwhile, I read a blurb on one of the “expert” sites about people panicking over Brandon Marshall and Larry Fitzgerald. If you’re looking to give them away, I think you need to pump the brakes and take a chill pill, bros and babes. Larry, maybe. But B-Marsh? His dream of a star receiving counterpart has finally come true in Alshon Jeffrey (whom I desperately wanted the Dolphins to draft) so I think he’ll be fine. Deep breaths.
The Year Of The Kicker Has Arrived!
The TE spot was a little chillaxed this week, with Julius Thomas, Jason Witten and Jimmy Graham being the only guys who scored about 15, so I’m going to talk instead about how absurd kickers were in Week 5. Sixteen kickers crossed the 10-point mark, which is what I consider the Mason-Dixon line between good and shitty kickers. But 7 kickers topped 15 points this week and 2 even crossed the 20 mark. That’s insane. Kickers are supposed to eat lunch by themselves and be politely told to move when other players are trying to sign autographs. When Super Bowl winners receive their rings, kickers should get female bands.
So drink it up, foot jockeys. Because it’s not happening again.