Money Woes Got You Down? Let Jose Canseco Walk You Through Bankruptcy

Senior Writer
08.07.12 4 Comments

As I pointed out last week, Jose Canseco, the former baseball player who uses Twitter to beg Major League Baseball teams to consider signing a 48-year old designated hitter, now has a new gig as a columnist for Vice. In his debut at that site last week, Canseco weighed in on the necessity of guns in the wake of the Aurora, CO shooting. Canseco’s ultimate point was that if you’re not a juiced up martial artist, you need guns because you’re not an imposing force of fists like he is.

This week, Canseco is back to discuss something that’s more near and dear to his heart – bankruptcy. Canseco admits that he just filed for Chapter 7 bankruptcy last week, and that’s shocking. I thought for sure that the guy who was once evicted from his home and needed pro bono legal representation to get his chandeliers back would have been doing just fine. Shows what I know.

Regardless, please allow the man who now claims to be a victim of the government’s evil ways to dispense his incredible amazing financial advice.

Things spiraled out of control for me due to a combination of being hit with judgments and liens and taxes and my income being cut short because my wages were garnished. When you owe the government—whether it be state or federal—they are relentless when it comes to getting their money back. They institute incredible penalties and interest that almost makes it seem like they want to enslave you.

Or they just want you to pay your taxes. I mean, taxes suck but we have to pay them, no matter what Wesley Snipes tells us. It’s not like there haven’t been thousands of celebrities and athletes over the years who have tried to cheat the government, thus setting an example for guys like Canseco. Alas, here we are.

For the last five or six or seven years I’ve just been trying to, well… live. I’ve been evicted from homes, lived in friends’ converted garages, and bounced from house to house. Putting money into my account became a terrifying activity because there was a good chance the government would immediately confiscate it. Things got to the point where even my daughter Josie—her last name is Canseco—was drained one time. I think she said that they returned it, but anything relating to the Canseco last name became a nightmare. Let me tell you from first-hand experience, the IRS are a bunch of thirsty piranhas. They bled me dry.

You know how you can avoid this? By paying your taxes. I’ve obviously never been a millionaire athlete, but I’ve seen enough of them crash and burn in my lifetime and I really don’t have much sympathy for those that don’t surround themselves with the right people and behave responsibly with their money. I do, however, have sympathy for his daughter, because she kept her dad’s name.

So how did you actually get to this point, Jose?

The issue is very simple: If you’ve got friends and family, the more money you make the more you spend on them. So let’s say you spend half your money on them and the rest on yourself and the cost of living. It may so happen that during all of that you forget to pay your taxes. And then all of a sudden penalties and interest start to add up, and you’re in a pool of quicksand from which you cannot escape.

I’ve said it since the day he emerged on Twitter – Jose Canseco is possibly the world’s greatest IRL troll. Here he is telling how he’s a victim of the government, because he “forgot” to pay his taxes. Amazing. If only he’d relate it to a pivotal historical figure.

I saw that movie Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter, and at the very end President Lincoln makes a statement that kind of hit me hard. He says something like: “Government for the people and of the people and from the people.” And that’s not what our government’s about. That’s crazy talk. I understand that he’s referring to a time when our government was smaller, but now it’s so large. Do you want to know the most ironic, messed-up part about this whole thing? No matter how many taxes the government gets from the public, we’ll still be in debt forever.

There you have it, Canseco was hit hard by an incorrect quote from a fictional version of a president, who just so happened to fight vampires. Also, Canseco may be one of 6 people who actually saw that film. Obviously, the quote from the Gettysburg Address is “…and that government of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth.” But the Lincoln that said that wasn’t a vengeful mercenary out to eliminate the undead. No, he was a pussy.

Oh, don’t worry, we haven’t reached our destination of Batshitsville yet, folks.

To me, it doesn’t make any sense: If the government prints its own money, why are we in debt?

*fires up the money machine* WE’RE ALL BILLIONAIRES! EVERY LAST ONE OF US!!!

Realistically, they couldn’t do one single thing about it if we all said, “Nope, you’re not getting taxes this year,” and the saddest part is that the deficit would still be the same.

They especially couldn’t do anything if you’re a massive man beast with fists of fury trained in the arts of chop chop.

Of course, he’s wrong and wrong, but we’re getting too far into the deep end of a political conversation that I don’t like having, so I’ll just let Canseco take us home by telling us all what this is really about.

For me, it’s real simple: The government controls you psychologically as religion controls you psychologically. “In God we trust” also means “In government we trust.” Think about that for a minute and get back to me.

So God is punishing Jose Canseco for not paying his taxes? Works for me.

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