"OJ Simpson Didn't Do It!" Claims Some Guy

It has been 17 years since a California jury declared that former Buffalo Bills running back OJ Simpson was not guilty of murdering his ex-wife Nicole Brown and her dude bro, Ronald Goldman. And despite the irreparable damage that this one trial did to the last two decades of California “justice” against celebrity criminals, we have not stopped talking about it, because it has just always been that remarkable.

Well put on your “Oh you’ve got to be f*cking kidding me” faces, because there is a new “development” in the case, and by development I mean that some dude realized that there’s still cash to be milked from this saggy teat. Private investigator William C. Dear has a new book, OJ is Innocent and I Can Prove It, and he claims that he knows who the real killer is… OJ’s son.

Everybody all together now!

But Dear said he has spent nearly two decades looking into the case and assembled a mountain of circumstantial evidence, which, he said, suggests that O.J. Simpson had nothing to do with the murders of Brown and Goldman.

“I flew out two weeks after the murders,” he said. “I climbed over the back gate and walked the walkway to the front door, and that’s when I realized O.J. could not have done it. But he was there. He was either there at the time or there afterwards [and] became part of the crime.” (Via the HuffPo)

OJ’s son, Jason, is 41-years old and works as a chef in Miami, and he’s never been mentioned in connection with the murders of Brown and Goldman. Still, I’m shocked he actually goes by Simpson. I would have changed my name, grown a big bushy mustache and moved to Siberia.

But it wouldn’t have mattered, because nobody expected Dear to be so amazing at his job.

“When I tell you we have the weapon — we found the weapon in Jason’s storage facility that he failed to make payments on. We know he carried it — his initials were carved in the leather sheath,” Dear said.

“We have emails from his former roommates that were in college with him. We have our suspect’s diaries. We have his forged time card, and we have the vehicle he was driving on the night of the murders,” said Dear.

According to Dear, the diaries supposedly have admissions by Jason that he was obsessed with knives and had a whole Jekyll and Hyde thing going, so if anything he’s a very convenient new reason to screw with the emotions of the Goldman family yet again. But how dare I just refer to Dear as “some guy”? He’s a Police Hall of Famer, damn it.

“I recently did a speech in front of 533 law enforcement investigators and prosecutors,” he said. “The first statement I made was ‘How many of you believe O.J. was guilty?’ and everyone raised their hand. When [my speech] was over, I asked the same thing and only three people voted guilty. So when you get law enforcement and all these people to take that position, that’s a pretty strong position.”

I like to think that the officers that didn’t raise their hands the second time had been passed out since 10 seconds into Dear’s speech and were all having this same dream…