07.25.08 10 years ago 7 Comments

I hate bullshit power rankings, so I make up my own.

1. Megan Ohai. "Dear Megan, Your photo took my breath away. Truly, yours is a butt that won't quit."

2. Fights.  In order of decreasing sexiness and increasing harmfulness: Milka Duno-Danica Patrick, Shock-Sparks, Dayton Dragons-Peoria Chiefs.

3. Getting hammered and breaking stuff.  This week I doff my cap to the Penn State kid and the Sandman.  Personally, I think the felony charges that come with drunken mayhem are totally worth the story, if you do it as well as these two.

4. Casey Rabach.  Cod luck, or codswallop?  If you ask me, codswallop > flapdoodle > balderdash.

5. Senator Norm Coleman.  Word on the street is that he brought hockey back

6. Rollerblading.  Finally, a video that gives us a nut shot AND a face plant in the same sporting mishap.  Thank you, anonymous moron.

7. Deez Nuts!  And also dznuts.  If there's a lotion to be applied to my taint, believe me, I'm gonna buy it.

8. Terrell Owens.  Apparently, he takes the occasional break from only caring about himself.  And all it took was someone getting hit by a car.

9. Kansas Jayhawks.  They come out in defense of Mark Mangino's sickening obesity.  I guess they'd probably stick up for a whole family of fatasses, too.

10. UCLA Bruins.  I praised their underwear run, and made sweeping generalizations about how people should only apply to subpar state schools in warm regions (which is completely true).  Naturally, some douchebag with too much pride in his school emailed to point out that UCLA had extremely high admissions standards, with the admonition, "here's a tip: truth makes for better comedy."  Here's a tip for you, asshole: fuck off and die.

Random video of the week: Mangino wants to know where he can find this "Snickers gatling gun."

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