11.07.08 10 years ago 5 Comments

I hate bullshit power rankings, so I make up my own.

1. Kate Beckinsale.  “You’ve got to keep up the seduction phase – it’s fun.”  Yes.  Yes it is.  You are correct.

2. Barack Obama.  Not as sexy as Beckinsale, but he had himself a pretty good week.  Congratulations to everyone who participated in the ol’ democratic process.

3. Caitlin Davis.  The poor teenaged Patriots cheerleader insists she didn’t draw the penises (penii?) and swastikas that got her fired.  Remember her fondly with this gallery.

4. Non-Caitlin Davis Cheerleaders.  Big week from them: Canadian high schoolers ditching their clothes, the Dolphins cheerleaders behind the scenes, and a reunion for the Song Girls of yesteryear.

5. Chicago Blackhawks.  Oh hey, a sports a team in the supposedly sports-related power rankings!  Too bad their fans are dying old ladies.

6. Lucky Strike cigarettes.  They’re toasted!  And they’re endorsed by Frank Gifford.  Get a holiday carton for that special toddler in your life.

7. Heidi Klum.  She makes Guitar Hero commercials at least 3 million percent better than Michael Phelps.  And her reality show will always trump Keyshawn Johnson’s.

8. Doodle for Hunger.  A fundraiser with a noble cause.  Too bad the athletes’ contributions suck so hard.

9. Chocolate rain.  Think about if such a thing really existed.  It would be totally delicious.

10. The horse faceplant.  Greatly improved over the usual skateboarding or bicycle faceplant.  I demand more horse injuries!

To show my gratitude for clicking through, here’s that picture of Victoria Beckham again:

Show of hands: does anyone else really really really want to zig-a-zig-ah?

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