Ranking The New Texas Rangers Stadium Food From ‘Looks Okay’ To ‘What The Hell Is Wrong With You?’

10.05.16 2 years ago 3 Comments


Listen, in Texas they like their food big. And bold. And, on occasion, absolutely bizarre. Anyone who’s been to the Texas State Fair (or a Texas Walmart) can cosign this. But the four dishes we’re about to show you are the most Texas foods ever to have Texas’d up a Texas menu.

The plates come courtesy of the Texas Rangers — who are heading into the playoffs with their division clinched and the best record in the American League. To celebrate, the team dropped a little gem on Twitter, four new items to be served at home games as the Rangers chase embark on their World Series chase.

At first glance, each of the dishes look kind of interesting. They’re trying, at least. But upon further inspection, they all seem to possess some fatal flaw, which is then drowned in nacho cheese. So much nacho cheese. Let’s have a look:

“Okay I kinda see what you’re trying to do…” — The TamArlington Dog

This almost makes sense on a lot of levels. The tamale could be seen as a nod to the fact that Texas has deep Mexican roots. The chili is a manifestation of how those roots intertwined with other foodways to create TexMex. The hot dog is a baseball game staple. But together, all in one place? It careens off the rails, into a ravine, and explodes into a massive fireball while everyone who managed to escape the doomed tamale-chili-dog train looks on in horror.

Obviously, the insane excess of nacho cheese appeals to a certain demographic — my demographic (“people who are down to consume stupid amounts of nacho cheese”) — but it’s being used to paste together a a bunch of odd-sized pieces. Also, how is this thing being served? Do they just plop it in that plastic hat? Because that’s probably the best call.

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