Sports

The ’80s Were A Gold Mine Of Horrible Sports Team Music Videos

This week, the San Antonio Spurs’ Duran Duran inspired band, Spuran Spuran, released their surefire hit song, “Spurs.” While it’s a fine effort, it’s nearly impossible for a new team music video to live up to the awesome legacy of those created in the ’80s and early ’90s. There’s an authenticity to the cheesiness of those older videos that can’t be replicated because today’s superstars are usually too guarded and concerned about their #brand. The guys in these videos? They simply thought they were there to have fun and act cool. But coolness is subjective, and it has a much shorter half-life than anyone imagines.

Chicago Bears — “The Super Bowl Shuffle”

This swagger filled jam featuring Jim McMahon (“The punky QB”), Mike Singletary (who is not looking for trouble), and the first of many questionable saxophone performances that you’ll see on this list was a trailblazer that inspired all that followed. Which, as you’ll see, is both a good and bad thing.

Los Angeles Dodgers — “The Baseball Boogie Bunch”

So much sateen, so many hip thrusts, but not nearly enough Orel Hershiser. This is the only video on this list with the balls to call out Huey Lewis.

New York Mets — “Lets Go Mets”/”Get Metsmerized”

“Lets Go Mets” is more of a pump-up song that disguises the 1986 Mets band of party boys as lovable scamps who happen to spend their free time wrasslin’ with Joe Piscopo. The players are just acting in the video, not supplying the music, as they did with “Get Metsmerized,” but at least “Lets Go Mets” was recognized and promoted by the team. “Get Metsmerized” was not, which means that a lot of people have never heard gems like Lenny Dykstra’s “I bunt, I run, and then I dive/it’s a wonder I’m still alive!” It’s also pretty great to hear George Foster sell out the legacy of his “Big Red Machine” years in Cincinnati for a team that tossed him aside a few months later.

Seattle Seahawks — “Blue Wave”

The Seattle Seahawks really want you to know two things: The blue wave is on a roll, and shower sax solos are the best sax solos.

Minnesota Twins — “Berenguer Boogie”

In the mid 1980s, Tony Orlando played Major League Baseball under the name Juan “El Gasolino” Berenguer. Sometimes, he wore a trench coat. This is his story.

Oakland Raiders — “Silver and Black”

Head coach Tom Flores busts some rhymes about fundamentals and Matt Millen wears what looks like a railroad conductor hat while letting us all know that “those turkey’s on offense, are creatures I hate.” Even wide receivers, Matt?

Philadelphia Eagles — “Buddy’s Watching You”

While Tom Flores got in on the fun with the Raiders, then-Eagles coach Buddy Ryan only appeared in spirit for his team’s rap video as Reggie White, Randall Cunningham, Jerome Brown, kicker Luis Zendejas and others spoke out about needing to do good because “Buddy” and the Philadelphia fans were “watching.” But while the others at least established themselves as adequate musical talents, Zendejas was so bad that Ryan cut him and put a cash bounty on him the next time he came to town. I may be missing a few details, though.

Arizona Wildcats — “Wild About The Cats”

Jud Buechler plays a vital role in this music video that features Arizona college basketball standouts Sean Elliott, Steve Kerr, and future Cleveland Indians all-star center fielder Kenny Lofton, but does he get name checked or get a chance to talk about his game? No. Same as it was in Chicago, right Jud?

The Los Angeles Rams — “Ram It”

This video is a relic of a simpler time when you could repeatedly sing the words “Lets Ram It!” without inciting giggles. At least I think you could. I’m not really sure because there is no way that the cheeky bastard who wrote this song didn’t, on some level, know what they were doing. Look at these lyrics:

“Hollywood handsome, Dodge City tough, If you throw it my way, it’s gonna get rough. I like to ram it as you can see, nobody likes ramming more than me.”

“I’m a mountain man from West VA, they call me Herc and I came to play. I learned long ago, if you ram it just right, you can ram it all day, and ram it all night.”

That’s art that tells a story. A “Ramming” story.

Calgary Flames — “Red Hot”

Most of these songs are bastardizations of rap music, but this one by Lanny McDonald and the Flames aims straight for the heart of the mustache and mullet power ballad market and scores a goal.

Cincinnati Reds — “Reds Hot”

Paul O’Neil sounds like he’s calling bingo numbers in a church basement and Billy Hatcher sounds like a shy robot, but at least “Red Hots” isn’t solely about the greatness of the Cincinnati Reds. It’s also about staying off of crack cocaine.

Miami Dolphins — “Can’t Touch Us”

“Hello, men’s apparel manager? I’m calling from the Miami Dolphins and I need all the husky sized Zubaz. Now!”

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