The Best And Worst Of TNA Impact Wrestling 1/24/13: Park, Park, & Park

THESTINGER’s OFFICIAL LIST OF THE THREE BEST THINGS ABOUT JOSEPH PARK:

3) Sweats as much as The Rock while simply talking.
2) Kayfabe.
1) Always talks about “Impact Wrestling”. Is not a wrestler, but an “Impact Wrestler!”

…continued from last week

The Rite of Passage, Part 3

Twas on a Saturday that the big show was held. Why, I was more excited than a drunk armadillo in a box filled with fire ants. We never had this sort of shindig over in Wahacheetalle county before. Why folks might find it plain silly compared to our annual fair, featuring such crowd favorites as the Pocahontas dress up, holerrin’ contest, cornhole, ol’ Dingbat McMurphy’s jugband concert, and, of course, the muddy hill climbin’ race, womenfolk over the age of fourteen only, cause we likes to keep it all classy like.

I helped Rumpert pack up his wares in the morning to bring to the show and we done headed to the center of town come noon time. On the way there, ol’ Rumpert was tellin’ me ’bout the shindig we was goin’ to. He tole me this year they was fixin’ to try something a bit different, far as the grapplin’ arena was concerned. Come to find out, in seasons past they used to dig a pit in the ground, all wide and long like, and the fellas would rassle in the pit while the rest of the folk, all spectatin’ like, watched from all around. Problem is, Parts Unknown done has quite the rocky underside, not all earthy like, like some other places. Top of that, dem workin’ fellas would have to fill it back in after the show and it would leave quite the eyesore, and right near the town hall to boot.

Wouldn’t you know it, they done had one of dem square thingamajigs set up, with dem ropes and such, like the boxin’ fellas liked to use. Rumpert mentioned that they called it a “ring”. I done thought that was just pain hogwash and buffoonery. What sort of fiddlyslacker names a clearly square contraption a “ring”? Why, that’s no more round than a book or a particularly square lookin’ rock.

I helped ol’ Rumpert set up his wares on a table, near some other fellas sellin’ all manner if curiosities, including some kind of socks or pantyhose that folks wore on their arms. I tells ya, the fella that done thought that one up must have done hit his head on a rock. Once we had all of Rumpert’s fine stretchy garments put out, all spread out nice like, the man done tole me to go near the ring and enjoy myself. I was plannin’ on helpin’ him tend to the sellin’ and such, but he insisted and I wasn’t gonna look a smilin’ donkey in the teeth.

I done found me a good patch of dirt, all near the ring like, and planted my rump there. Not long after, all manner of folk came and crowded all around the curious square thingamajig. Over on one side, they had some fella seated at a table. He was all dressed up clean and proper, like them city fellas, and I guess was there to announce to the folk round the ring. I don’t like to talk mean about nobody, but this fella was all surly and bloated like he done ate way too many taters.

As the show started, they had one of the womenfolk get up in the ring and hold up a card. The surly announcer fella said something about some birds or other nonsense as she was scramblin’ into the ring. I ain’t gonna pretend like I caught his meanin’, sounded like somethin’ a small lad would say when he was still learnin’ to form sentences.

Finally the strongmen began makin’ their way to the ring, and I got to tells ya, they came in all manner of shapes and sizes. From small runty fellas with big bellies and mangy beards to tall wiry types that look like they might topple over if the wind blew hard enough. I never did see anything like it before. There was Wimplestomp Willie, who’d knock em’ down and stomp em flat, and Grizzly George Gupten, who’d give the wolf man a run for his money if wees talkin’ body hair. Slick Jimmy Jinks, who was greased up with so much oil wasn’t nobody gonna get a hold of im, and Virtuoso Verne, who used so many different holds, id doggone nearly made my head done right blowed up. I wasn’t in the know ’bout what dem dere moves were called, on account of never seein’ it before, but ol’ Rumpert clued me in after the show. Why ol’ Verne could git ya wiith the armbar, the legbar, the shoulderbar, the body bar, the face claw, the stomach claw, the thigh claw, the hip claw, why even the shoulder claw. How’s a man supposed to counter a mountain of attacks like that?

I tells ya, I done did fall in love with the rasslin’ that day. The folks in the crowd was shoutin’ and chantin’ and they was clap, clap ,clap clap clappin’, and I was shoutin’ and chantin’ and clappin’ right along with them. I didn’t know what any of dat dere fuss meant, but it done took over my spirit. Right theres I knew this was somethin’ I was meant to do. I still had to go back home and finish up my edumication, but I knew I would be back, and one day I too would be rasslin’ in a ring or a pit or just a patch of woods in the country, and I’d be the one slappin’ the ol’ shoulder claw on some poor fella.

Well, I never did reach that lake in my vision, but best I can tells, wasn’t supposed to. I had done found my ring.

“Ace’s and 8’s as a baptist youth group” out-freakin-standing…well done Danielle

Now I may just be a gullible goose, but do Canadian passports really have a unicorn in them?