The Best Of Jose Bautista’s Reddit AMA

03.07.13 5 years ago 2 Comments

On paper (or perhaps pehper) the Toronto Blue Jays should be the team to beat in the American League East this season. With the core of the New York Yankees – Curtis Granderson, Alex Rodriguez and Mark Texeira – already injured and expected to miss significant time, the Bronx Bombers should be in for a down year. Additionally, the Boston Red Sox are coming off an unusual last place finish, which leaves the Baltimore Orioles and Tampa Bay Rays as the main threats to the Blue Jays’ divisional hopes. And thus ends the strangest paragraph I’ve written in several years.

So it shouldn’t surprise anyone that Jays outfielder Jose Bautista is already psyched and energized to get the season underway, so he took to Reddit yesterday for an Ask Me Anything session, through which he answered some of the hardest questions that any athlete could ever answer – namely, what’s it like to play with Colby Rasmus’ goofy-looking ass?

Oh, and it also helped that Bautista was promoting MLB the Show. I’d certainly be excited if I were featured in a video game, and hopefully it would be called “Asslevania” and I play a vampire slayer who hooks up with Kate Upton. If anyone from Konami is reading this, I’m willing to write that plot.

Anyway, Bautista answered a ton of questions and seems like a generally great guy, so here are some of the better, more insightful answers for people like me who think Reddit threads are ridiculously confusing to navigate. That’s not a dig at Reddit, mind you, I’m just old and easily confused.

Good answer. Simple yet stern. The real question should have been: “Why don’t you start growing a playoff beard now?”

Yeah, but in the NFL or CFL?

Bautista would have won the Internets and my heart if he had replied, “Hold on, let me find out… Yes.”

I always read Brett Lawrie’s name like Martin Lawrence in Bad Boys. BRETT LAU-REE.

Great question, and it needs to be answered for every team. There needs to be a definitive list of Major League Baseball’s best nacho eaters by teams released before each season.

That was a very good answer, and I choose to believe the underlying message is that Colby Rasmus is a dick.

He added, “Sucks we couldn’t throw in a roll of pennies to get Stanton, too.”

Better question: “Does the beard match the pubes?”

Better answer: “All pitchers throw like girls.”

He’s missing a lot of great opportunities for digs at his opponents, which means he’s a gentleman. Still, “It doesn’t mean much, just ask the Rays” would have been solid.

Excuse me, sir, you added the letter U to favorite.

I love this question because there’s almost always a good story, but I would have made a minor adjustment and asked for practical jokes involving farts, because I am 9.

Also would have accepted: “No. Next question.”

Busch Stadium has the classiest and most intelligent food.

Being such a child at heart when it comes to baseball, I could listen to a million baseball players talk about their most memorable home runs.

Somewhere, some alt-rock bros in St. Louis just started a band called Horse-Sized David Eckstein.

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