The Dugout: Bienvenido Oz Miami

Pro Wrestling Editor
09.28.11 26 Comments

Yesterday, we shared with you the news that beloved (cough) Chicago White Sox manager Ozzie Guillen has parted ways with the organization because he couldn’t fly to Spain on their dime and wanted a bigger boat. In the Bard’s own words, by way of the Chicago Sun-Times:

“If I leave here, I will say, ‘I leave here because I want to make my [bleeping] money,’ ” he said. “You know why? Because no [bleeping] fans, no [bleeping] Jerry or [bleeping] anybody is going to take care of my grandkids and put me in a 62-foot boat. That’s why there’s free agency.’’

The Dugout has been on a brief hiatus while I was away on vacation and/or readjusting to the rigors of going to work every day in my underwear, so please enjoy this super-sized edition featuring the entire Ozzie Guillen saga, from his announcement of free agency to his Floridian journey and all the way back to Chicago, where the managers flow like wine. If you get concerned about the accents as you read, please remember how Ozzie Guillen actually sounds, and consider that I did him a favor.

The strip will be back in our regular rotation again from here on out (because baseball season being over is the best time for Dugouts, because I’m not watching baseball and things are actually happening) so be sure to like us on Facebook to keep up with the stories and drop us a comment either here or there. We’d also appreciate feedback in the form of 62-foot boats.

Today’s Dugout follows.

The Dugout


** Online Host **
Welcome to the Chicago White Sox Chatroom!

OzzieOzzieOzzie: do i have any doubt abou my decision, no, i have no doubt at all  
OzzieOzzieOzzie: woul i like to sleep on it a lil longer? i slep enough, or lag of sleep  
OzzieOzzieOzzie: i’ve hay errybody else biting nailce, so i guess its time for them to stop chooing … the anser to the queshin errbody wans to know … ozzie guillien what is you decision  
OzzieOzzieOzzie: in this spring this is very tough im tayging my talence to south beach to join a miami marlins  
GitRDunn: who’re you talkin to  
OzzieOzzieOzzie: i will miss you slim jim  
GitRDunn: what  

** Online Host **
OzzieOzzieOzzie has left the chatroom.

GitRDunn: /strikes out  
** Online Host **
Later …
OzzieOzzieOzzie: c’mon come play for me in miami i no how to when  

KaZambrano: you a south side guy, ozzie, im a north side guy, what happen when fans see us play together, we will stinks in they eyes

KaZambrano: i coul never play with you, is embarrassing, is embarrassing  
OzzieOzzieOzzie: carlos, put aside this coastal gang war for a momen an remenber one importan thing:  
OzzieOzzieOzzie: we have the same race  
KaZambrano: oh thats right ok ozzie we shoul be best frens  
OzzieOzzieOzzie: how abou you, armis, take you talence to a southern beach  
ReadOnlyMemory: ehhhh i dunno  
OzzieOzzieOzzie: you will like it, there are fish in a backstop an our uniformce will be blag an green an yellow an blue an orntch an white an teal an probly red  
OzzieOzzieOzzie: they give me so much money i buy a f**ken boat, which i put a airplang blade on the back of an speedboat into a backstop  
ReadOnlyMemory: don know, i hear miami not so gray for peoples of hispanic descent  
OzzieOzzieOzzie: haven you hear the song "welcom to miami" by willsmith  
KaZambrano: youve heard it, is the one where he say he got a prada bag with a lot a stuff in it, because he rhyme like jean-ralphio from park and re-creation  
ReadOnlyMemory: o right that’s the one about miami  
OzzieOzzieOzzie: DREMTEM  
OzzieOzzieOzzie: play for me we have a DREMTEM in miami firce one ever  
KaZambrano: ok im lebrong your dewayne wane aramis is crisbosh  
ReadOnlyMemory: no im lebron you dwangwang ozzie is crisbosh  
OzzieOzzieOzzie: f**k u im no f**king crisbosh crisbosh is no good, im lebron AN dwayne wait u 2 are crisbosh  
KaZambrano: /gets mad
/goes to the media
ReadOnlyMemory: /gets mad
/goes to management
OzzieOzzieOzzie: /gets mad
/goes to Twitter
  ** Online Host **
Later, in the Miami Marlins Chatroom
fLORIdA: so let me get this straight  
fLORIdA: you wanted to make millions of dollars and have a successful career managing a team full of your dominican and venezuelan friends  
OzzieOzzieOzzie: righ  
fLORIdA: so you decided to leave chicago and come play for me, jeffrey loria, on a team that treats hispanic players like dog-servants in funny jackets on the reg and treats their managers even worse  
fLORIdA: and you understand that the man you’re replacing was literally methuselah from the holy bible because the hispanic guy before him hated it and quit almost instantly  
OzzieOzzieOzzie: yase  
fLORIdA: awesome, here’s your signing bonus of four dollars and a 2 liter of mountain splash, have fun in 1000 degrees  
  ** Online Host **
Meanwhile, in the Chicago White Sox Chatroom…
KennyMoveItLikeThis: Joey, we’re going to move forward with you as manager.  
JoeCorasWild: Wow, thank you sir, that’s a great honor.  
KennyMoveItLikeThis: In Ozzie’s absence, we feel like the manager should be an infielder of Hispanic origin with deep ties to the organization.  
KennyMoveItLikeThis: We’re having a meeting about it later today, I’m texting you the info right now.  
JoeCorasWild: okay!  
KennyMoveItLikeThis: This is your moment, Joey. We believe in you.  
JoeCorasWild: Thank you sir, I won’t let you down.  
  ** Online Host **
JoeCorasWild has received a text message.
JoeCorasWild: /checks phone  
JoeCorasWild: :(  
Photos link to player info.

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