The Dugout: Elijah Dukes Can’t Handle Life’s Basic Tasks

Sometimes I try to be charming and literate in The Dugout. I’ve made references to everything from Fyodor Dostoyevsky to “Excel Saga” in an effort to broaden the strip’s audience and present a unique voice in sports blogging humor. And then sometimes Elijah Dukes texts a picture of a bayonet to a pregnant woman and shoves her off a cliff and I’m stuck writing about how guys in sports are entitled monsters who make 400,000 times more than me to ground out about as well as I could.

But yeah, Elijah Dukes has been arrested again, this time for driving with an expired or revoked license. With Leather, meet one of The Dugout’s most popular recurring characters, an African-American woman of authority who can’t stop getting the hell choked out of her. Yes, I suppose I’m creating art.

Today’s Dugout follows.

The Dugout

  **Online Host**
Welcome to the Driving Down Interstate 75 Near Tampa Chatroom!
DukesOfHazzard: ♫ unnnnnnn u no what it is blacken yello blacken yello black yello ♫ /somehow ghost-rides the whip while still in car
DukesOfHazzard: ay i wonder if that would work with tha colorz im wearin right now … ♫ unnnn i no what it is red an white red an white red an white
DukesOfHazzard: lol it work
  **Online Host**
A LadyCop has entered the chatroom.
DukesOfHazzard: aww here it go

LadyCop: /strolls up to driver’s side window, taps on glass

License and registration, please.

DukesOfHazzard: /hands over papers
LadyCop: Okay, so, first of all, were you aware that your license is expired
DukesOfHazzard: yup got arrested for it like two years ago figured it be inspired by now
LadyCop: secondly, are you aware that your registration is a stack of napkins from Long John Silver’s
DukesOfHazzard: so
LadyCop: who is that with you in the car /leans in
DukesOfHazzard: pregnant girlfrien
LadyCop: could you stop punching her for a second so I could ask her a few questions
DukesOfHazzard: i ain’t gon stop punchin sh:t all my papers legit
LadyCop: are you aware that you are growing what looks like 40-50 marijuana plants in the backseat of your car
LadyCop: are you aware that you ran over a bald eagle at some point and have dragging it behind your car for the last 20 miles
LadyCop: are you aware that this license somehow expired three months before you were born
LadyCop: … /looks at phone
LadyCop: are you aware that you just texted me a picture of a broadsword with "u ded bithc" underneath
DukesOfHazzard: sorry wrong numba meant to tex it to this bithc
DukesOfHazzard: n2 answer your ?s somehow yes i am aware of all dem thangs
LadyCop: now there’s a baby in your floorboard
DukesOfHazzard: aw fuk me i was punchen in the rong direction
LadyCop: Please step out of the car. You’re under so much arrest.
DukesOfHazzard: fa what
DukesOfHazzard: fa what bitch fa what
DukesOfHazzard: what could you possibly arres me for, me, the good damn samarathan
LadyCop: driving with an expired license, aggravated battery of a pregnant woman, drug possession, brutal manslaughter of an endangered species, unlawful anachronism, one count of texting a broadsword
LadyCop: threatening a police officer, resisting arrest, performing an abortion without a license, one count of wearing your baseball uniform a year after they made you stop playing baseball
LadyCop: threatening the life of a dog? Should I go on
DukesOfHazzard: what you arrest me for
LadyCop: really
DukesOfHazzard: this america
DukesOfHazzard: lol this is still america righ, Lol i don’t got a got damn clue where we at
LadyCop: please step out of the car
DukesOfHazzard: sorry caint chopt off my leg so i could beat the concepted life outta this downtrodden woman
LadyCop: please roll out of the car
DukesOfHazzard: sorry caint i aint moved athleticly in like four yrs my whole body is atrophied
LadyCop: please fall out of the car
DukesOfHazzard: sorry caint, accidentally welded the door shut with a crack pipe
LadyCop: please drive your car to the nearest police station and stay there forever
DukesOfHazzard: yeah aight
Photos link to player info.