The Dugout: Evan Longoria's Police Report

Tampa Bay Ray Evan Longoria was robbed during Spring Training, and yesterday he was able to find some closure. From a report via Tampa’s News Leader™ WTSP 10

A Port Charlotte man was arrested Wednesday for his involvement in the burglary and grand theft of a Tampa Bay Rays spring training rental home earlier this year.

Steven Charles Vaughn, 22, is charged with Armed Burglary of an Unoccupied Dwelling, Grand Theft and Dealing in Stolen Property. Vaughn was already in jail on unrelated charges.

While the Rays were at a spring training game in nearby Charlotte Stadium on March 26, thieves got into their home and stole $60,000 worth of items, including numerous electronics, watches, jewelry and an AK-47 that belonged to third baseman Evan Longoria.

His jewelry and his what?

Yes, apparently Evan Longoria has a stash of automatic weapons in his home, and it may or may not be because he’s one of Gillette’s “Young Guns”. Regardless, it’s always good when a robbery gets solved, and The Dugout is pleased to present this exclusive transcript of the police report that led to an arrest. Of, uh, a guy already in jail. But still.

Today’s Dugout is after the jump.

The Dugout

  **Online Host**
Welcome to the Evan Longoria’s House Chatroom!
LadyCop: so let me make sure I’ve got everything /flips page in tiny notebook  

LadyCop: four (4) Ed Hardy pendant necklaces, one (1) television, old, one (1) Playstation 3 with the disc for MotorStorm still inside


LadyCop: why are you still playing MotorStorm

why did you play it in the first place, that game comes free in the mail with samples of Tide

EvanAlmighty: I’m sorry, did I say MotorStorm? I meant L.A. Noire.  
LadyCop: no you didn’t you boring ass motherf**ker  
LadyCop: one (1) stack of women’s soccer magazines?  
EvanAlmighty: /shrug  
LadyCop: I didn’t know women’s soccer had UH magazine, let alone enough to constitute a stack  
EvanAlmighty: i don’t know why they were robbing my bathroom  
LadyCop: two gross (288) Tampa Bay Rays hats?  
EvanAlmighty: I don’t care what those people say at the children’s hospital, those hats are MINE  
LadyCop: one AK-47? Am I reading that right  
EvanAlmighty: yes’m  
LadyCop: why the F**K do you have an AK-47  
EvanAlmighty: how do you think I got all those hats?  
LadyCop: no, seriously, why does evan longoria have an ak-47  
LadyCop: were you borrowing it from Kyle Farnsworth? That’s it, isn’t it, Imma turn around and that gangly mormon piece of sh*t reliever is gonna be cussin at me about the Samurai Pizza Cats and imma have to choke a bitch, where he at  
EvanAlmighty: why would Kyle Farnsworth be in my house? This is serious  

LadyCop: jim thome then

bein’ all "hey guys"

I wish he would

EvanAlmighty: No, p. sure strangers in my house was the reason I called you  
LadyCop: oh, so you need actual police work and not jokes  
EvanAlmighty: I don’t know, a joke might make me feel better about being robbed.  
LadyCop: ok, knock knock  
EvanAlmighty: ugh, police work please  
LadyCop: try retracing your steps, what were you doing while your Soviet Assault Rifle was being stolen  
EvanAlmighty: well I thought the day seemed weird as soon as I woke up. Our dog was being quiet, the air was clean, and my Mom made eggs and toast for breakfast but no bacon or sausage  
EvanAlmighty: I set up a date for later and called up my friends to see where the pick-up basketball game was being held  
LadyCop: Did you then proceed to said pick-up basketball game, sir?  
EvanAlmighty: I did, and nobody bothered me while I was en route.  
LadyCop: How’d you do?  
EvanAlmighty: I didn’t take it seriously, but I got a triple double.  
LadyCop: 10 assists or 10 blocks  
EvanAlmighty: i’m sorry  
LadyCop: I was asking about the third part of the triple double, I assume you had 10 points and 10 rebounds, and it would be pretty weird if you were keeping track of your assists at the playground so I’m guessing you mean blocks, but I want to be sure as this is an important procedural record  

EvanAlmighty: oh, no, I made six points

I might not know what a triple double is

EvanAlmighty: I went home, took a midday shower and drove over to my friend’s house, where we watched MTV and played board games  
LadyCop: Wow, that sounds like the whitest thing ever.  
EvanAlmighty: When I left I picked up my date. I took her to a Lakers game, where we had some ironic beers.  
LadyCop: whiter still  
EvanAlmighty: You probably don’t need to know this, but my date had a large butt, which I touched  
LadyCop: less white  

EvanAlmighty: I pulled out my Jimmy Shields stories and they ran so deep into the night that she fell asleep.

I drove home at about one, stopped to get a burger and made it back without incident.

LadyCop: so if you had to say, today was a good day?  
EvanAlmighty: other than being robbed, yes. I didn’t even get to use my AK :(  
LadyCop: is that everything?  

EvanAlmighty: I think so. /looks around

Wait, no, I’m pretty sure I had some signs stolen, as well.

LadyCop: Edwin, you were an eye-witness, did you see anybody stealing Tampa’s signs?  
EncarnacionInstantBreakfast: whaaaaaat, no, es imposible  
TheReignMan: /stares at chatroom through binoculars  
TheReignMan: /waves hands over head  

EncarnacionInstantBreakfast: brb

/unbolts street sign

Photos link to player info.