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**Online Host**
Welcome to the Evan Longoria’s House Chatroom! |
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LadyCop: so let me make sure I’ve got everything /flips page in tiny notebook |
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LadyCop: four (4) Ed Hardy pendant necklaces, one (1) television, old, one (1) Playstation 3 with the disc for MotorStorm still inside
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LadyCop: why are you still playing MotorStorm
why did you play it in the first place, that game comes free in the mail with samples of Tide
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EvanAlmighty: I’m sorry, did I say MotorStorm? I meant L.A. Noire. |
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LadyCop: no you didn’t you boring ass motherf**ker |
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LadyCop: one (1) stack of women’s soccer magazines? |
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EvanAlmighty: /shrug |
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LadyCop: I didn’t know women’s soccer had UH magazine, let alone enough to constitute a stack |
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EvanAlmighty: i don’t know why they were robbing my bathroom |
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LadyCop: two gross (288) Tampa Bay Rays hats? |
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EvanAlmighty: I don’t care what those people say at the children’s hospital, those hats are MINE |
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LadyCop: one AK-47? Am I reading that right |
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EvanAlmighty: yes’m |
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LadyCop: why the F**K do you have an AK-47 |
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EvanAlmighty: how do you think I got all those hats? |
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LadyCop: no, seriously, why does evan longoria have an ak-47 |
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LadyCop: were you borrowing it from Kyle Farnsworth? That’s it, isn’t it, Imma turn around and that gangly mormon piece of sh*t reliever is gonna be cussin at me about the Samurai Pizza Cats and imma have to choke a bitch, where he at |
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EvanAlmighty: why would Kyle Farnsworth be in my house? This is serious |
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LadyCop: jim thome then
bein’ all "hey guys"
I wish he would
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EvanAlmighty: No, p. sure strangers in my house was the reason I called you |
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LadyCop: oh, so you need actual police work and not jokes |
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EvanAlmighty: I don’t know, a joke might make me feel better about being robbed. |
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LadyCop: ok, knock knock |
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EvanAlmighty: ugh, police work please |
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LadyCop: try retracing your steps, what were you doing while your Soviet Assault Rifle was being stolen |
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EvanAlmighty: well I thought the day seemed weird as soon as I woke up. Our dog was being quiet, the air was clean, and my Mom made eggs and toast for breakfast but no bacon or sausage |
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EvanAlmighty: I set up a date for later and called up my friends to see where the pick-up basketball game was being held |
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LadyCop: Did you then proceed to said pick-up basketball game, sir? |
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EvanAlmighty: I did, and nobody bothered me while I was en route. |
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LadyCop: How’d you do? |
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EvanAlmighty: I didn’t take it seriously, but I got a triple double. |
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LadyCop: 10 assists or 10 blocks |
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EvanAlmighty: i’m sorry |
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LadyCop: I was asking about the third part of the triple double, I assume you had 10 points and 10 rebounds, and it would be pretty weird if you were keeping track of your assists at the playground so I’m guessing you mean blocks, but I want to be sure as this is an important procedural record |
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EvanAlmighty: oh, no, I made six points
I might not know what a triple double is
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EvanAlmighty: I went home, took a midday shower and drove over to my friend’s house, where we watched MTV and played board games |
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LadyCop: Wow, that sounds like the whitest thing ever. |
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EvanAlmighty: When I left I picked up my date. I took her to a Lakers game, where we had some ironic beers. |
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LadyCop: whiter still |
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EvanAlmighty: You probably don’t need to know this, but my date had a large butt, which I touched |
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LadyCop: less white |
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EvanAlmighty: I pulled out my Jimmy Shields stories and they ran so deep into the night that she fell asleep.
I drove home at about one, stopped to get a burger and made it back without incident.
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LadyCop: so if you had to say, today was a good day? |
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EvanAlmighty: other than being robbed, yes. I didn’t even get to use my AK :( |
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LadyCop: is that everything? |
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EvanAlmighty: I think so. /looks around
Wait, no, I’m pretty sure I had some signs stolen, as well.
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LadyCop: Edwin, you were an eye-witness, did you see anybody stealing Tampa’s signs? |
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EncarnacionInstantBreakfast: whaaaaaat, no, es imposible |
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TheReignMan: /stares at chatroom through binoculars |
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TheReignMan: /waves hands over head |
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EncarnacionInstantBreakfast: brb
/unbolts street sign
/bails
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