Tiger Woods Has A New Girlfriend

If you’re like me you spend a lot of time concerned about the love lives of the world’s wealthiest professional athletes. Like, Tiger Woods, for instance, who was callously dumped by his wife Elin Nordegren last year all because he “had sex” with “a bunch of whores”. Whatever happened to “’til death do us part”, Elin?

Well if you’re worried about El Tigre, don’t be. Because he’s back on the horse, and by horse I mean he’s banging dating a 22-year old girl now. The girl in question is Alyse Lahti, daughter of former St. Louis Cardinals pitcher Jeff Lahti and a volleyball star at the University of New Hampshire. And yes, that is Alyse in the Proactiv ad mugshot to the right. She was arrested for DUI last year in my beloved Orange County, Florida.

Which begs the question – She lives in Orlando and I live in Orlando, she likes to drink and I like to drink, so why aren’t we dating? Is it the fact that I’m not a billionaire professional athlete? Wow, that’s pretty shallow, Alyse. And to think I was going to let you sleep in my With Leather t-shirt.

If you’re into Facebook stalking, you can check out more photos of Alyse at the Palm Beach Post. But I try to respect a girl’s privacy. Except in public restrooms.